April 2010


Kate is VERY excited as her parents are coming to visit South Africa for the first time. Charlie is also excited at the prospect of being stuffed full of homemade cakes, biscuits and other subcutaneous fat-inducing foodstuffs by his Grandma. Mason is excited because the Grand’rents will doubtless be laden with Thomas the Tank Engine related merchandise. Rob is excited because he’ll be able to have manly chats with Kate’s Dad, discuss cricket in microscopic detail and they can slag off each other’s cricketing prowess too.

Rob is slightly concerned about the lack of manly beer in South Africa though - Kate’s Dad only drinks beer in dark brown bottles with names like ‘Olde Hairy Cowe’ and ‘Vicars Poke’, of which there is a distinct lack in Rob’s homeland. Kate is more concerned that her mum will insist on staying in the house for fear of being mugged upon every street corner. Kate doesn’t blame her mum for this, British people tend to have a negative view of South Africa, partly due to Apartheid, partly due to the revolting British media and partly due to the film ‘Lethal Weapon 2’ starring Mel Gibson and Danny Glover, where the South African baddies spend a lot of the film saying things like ‘You dirrrty Kaffir’ in quite poor accents.

Kate herself is embarrassed to admit she was influenced by this film, and very nearly suggested to her Deputy Head that they give the PE teacher post back in 2004, to a short, hirsute man from Kingston upon Thames who did a quite reasonable javelin lesson during interview,(no children threw themselves in front of javelins and no staff were speared either) rather than her husband to be, who she initially found quite cocky and arrogant. Nothing changed there, but she was very relieved to find that Rob got on extremely well with the large Jamaican Marcus Simpson whom they also hired at the same time, and on no occasion were any racial epithets hurled. Rob did admit that he saw Marcus in the shower once and said something along the lines of ‘It’s because he’s black!’ but the comment was entirely complimentary.

Anyway, The ‘Rents arrive at Durban Airport. They are suitably impressed by the Kops’ house and swoop upon the grandchildren who are edging closer to their luggage in the hope of either food (Charlie) or Thomas items (Mason). Kate and Rob decide to wind up the ‘Rents. Kate tells them to make sure they close their balcony doors at night because of the marauding leopards in the area. ‘Oh, ok,’ says Kate’s Mum, ‘As long as your father can have the fan on, he does sweat at night in his old age’ Kate’s Dad just sniggers, as he is wont to do, and asks where the nearest pub is. Rob looks stricken at this and suggests red wine at home as it’s not safe out, what with the leopards and stuff.

Kate admits the leopards don’t exist, but says to be careful of the monkeys. Kate’s Dad is now scornful of any wild animal claim and insists Kate is winding them up again. The monkeys however are proven to be in existence, when returning from the beach, they find the house has been ransacked. The devious little vervets have managed to gain entry via a window and have eaten everything in sight, except for Grandmas’ heart attack inducing home- made cookies. Kate’s mum is very disgruntled at this and demands to know what’s wrong with her cooking. Charlie assures her it’s wonderful whilst eyeing the plate of cookies wistfully. Kate can already see the whole packet of butter used in their production, settling itself down nicely in her son’s adipose tissues. The monkeys have also crapped on the floor, wiped it on the curtains, and knocked over Stanley’s cage. Stanley has escaped and is strutting around the carnage in an imperious manner, stopping only to admire himself in a full length mirror. Charlie wails that Stanley could have been torn to shreds. Kate thinks that any animal, vegetable or mineral that decides to attack Stanley is going to come off decidedly worse. Stanley takes no prisoners.

The reunited family, plus Rob’s twin brother Andy, decide to visit Umfoloza Game reserve for a couple of days. Kate tries to book the trip. Everything is fully booked except for one particular bush camp which only opened very recently. Upon arrival at the camp, they are impressed by the modern Zulu-inspired bush huts and beautiful sun deck overlooking the Umfolozi River, there is hardly anyone else there! Then Kate and Rob realise with horror why the bush camp is under booked. It’s so new there are no fences, electric or otherwise, leaving the inhabitants of the camp at the mercy of the wild beasts of Africa. Rob chats to another camper who cheerfully informs him that yes, he saw a big old male lion in the car park yesterday morning. Rob tells Kate to keep this information from the ‘Rents and kids. Kate mutters to herself about ‘Bloody South Africa’ and ‘Health and Safety’ and ‘Wouldn’t happen in England’ Rob points out that in England, the most dangerous wild animal is perhaps the highly ferocious urban fox, or perhaps the rampant and fearsome hedgehog. Kate stomps off to make tea and extract Charlie from the fridge.

They spend the day driving around the park in a rather splendid combi van they’ve hired for the trip. Kate’s parent ooh and aah at all the animals, although no big cats are seen. Kate’s mum insists on taking photos of every animal she sees, which is fine, except that they see these annoying little springbok things nearly every 100m. They return to the camp and start a barbecue or ‘braai’ on the sundeck. Mason starts wailing that he wants his ‘blankie’. Rob asks Charlie to walk back the 100 metres to their hut and fetch it for him. Charlie is reluctant, as it’s pitch black and they only have a feeble torch, but he dutifully trots off anyway. ‘Ha!’ exclaims Rob as he notices the disapproving looks on the faces of Kate and her Mum. ’It’s a rite of passage! Sending a kid off in the dark when you’re camping! We had to didn’t we Drew?’ Rob’s brother smirks and continues to poke at the Boerwurst.

Just then, Kate sees a pale shape about 20 meters in front of her. At first she thinks one of the other campers has let out their Labrador, but then she realises it is much too large and has strangely hunched shoulders. It is a huge hyena and it is following the path just taken by her gibbering son. Kate shrieks and points at the huge trotting beast and Rob and Andy run after it shouting and waving braai tongs. It slinks off into the darkness in the other direction. Charlie is hysterical however. He didn’t see the hyena but all the shouting terrified him and he does not have the most robust of dispositions. They all sit on a low wall next to the braai and try and console Charlie. Andy mutters to Rob that perhaps they should go inside, as the hyenas are being attracted by the smell of meat. Mason is also smaller than a hyena, and they tend to attack anything smaller than themselves.

As they all get up to go inside, they turn around and come face to face with yet another slavering hyena who has crept up directly behind Kate’s youngest son. It glares at them balefully with beady black eyes but doesn’t retreat. They all scuttle inside, Kate’s mum squawking like a recently buggered chicken and Mason with eyes like planets. Charlie is gibbering again. Kate’s Dad sniggers and says he thinks the hyena is quite cute looking with its big round teddy bear ears. Rob and Andy look at each other in horror. The hyena looks disgusted with the loss of the small blonde child and slinks off to find its buddy, not before it has filched a dropped bread roll.