Travis Scott released Beibs in the Trap late 2016 and I played this Album, particularly Coordinate, on repeat like an obsessed teenage fan. I loved the song and the beat just made me want to release all of my tension and dance. But then disaster struck, changing my life forever.

Late one night just as I readied myself for bed, my dad called me. With worry ingrained deep in his voice, he told me that my niece had fallen ill that evening and was in the hospital. Something was gravely wrong. In the middle of the night, I made my way to the hospital in a dazed and depressed frenzy. Coordinate, already set on repeat, was the soundtrack of this catastrophe.

I see her everywhere. New people I meet, a smiling teen enraptured with the jokes of her friends. I can no longer speak to her and but her memory lives on in the memories she left with her loved ones.

During this grieving, I must make my own step forward. Although she is not physically here with us, her spirit never left us. Death is never a good thing and if purges our lives of those so special to us but strangely enough, every time I start feeling depressed and grievous wound opens, I can sense her not wanting my every flowing tears. She wants me to remember her with love and laughter.

There is no “she’s in a better place” when someone is grieving. The statement that they aren’t hurting anymore doesn’t ease my pain one bit. There really isn’t anything that can be said that eases the pain. My heart just ached and drove me numb.

It’s been two years since her death and I still ache but I smile every time i remember her strong and asserting personality. I still get sentimental when hearing this random album that has nothing to do with my situation, my family, nor death. Healing still attempts to allude me but I’’m holding on to her with all of my strength and sanity. All I can do now is live my life and try to live in a way that would make her and the rest of my family proud.