I don't know how I should begin to sum up the last two months. My last post was on the seventh of February. After that I had my exams and then a break of almost twenty days. I tries to write multiple within that period but wasn't able to. It's not that nothing has happened in the past two months it's just that whatever happened wasn't easy to write about or even discuss with anybody. It was a period of mental turmoil with intervening bouts of emotional breakdown. But as always I remained strong on the outside. I cried but remained dignified and kept a firm belief in myself.
I am now a junior at high school which means that I had to choose five subjects to study for the next two years. I chose the humanities subjects that I have always shown interest in and want to pursue. After that, school started mid-April.
I was excited the first few days but then started to miss my previous class . Not because it was easier or I missed my friends but because I missed being sure of myself. You see, from the age of nine, when I barely knew the meaning of the word, I have wanted to be a journalist and have been always sure of that. I used to imagine myself running a press and coming to work in a huge building in a far off land. The problem you can detect from the previous sentence is that I used to and no longer felt the same way. Something in me had changed. For example, I missed science and math a little. Not that I would change my subjects just that I wanted to study them too.
With this we come to we come to Problem Number One:
I want to study. I want to keep learning. I want to go to school every day knowing that today I'm going to learn something new. The problem with this problem is that I hate tests. If you ask me to explain anything I have been taught in the last ten years, I would not hesitate for a second but if you ask me to write I test, I would run for my life. Which is a pity because I love writing. The fear I hold in tests is because I hate being graded. Whether it is a good Grade or a bad one, grades make me feel measured and human brains should not be measured because their capabilities are infinite. Measuring them putting kids into different categories segregates them. In a classroom, different kids think differently not because they get different grades but because they put into different groups. The weakest kid in your class is not dumb, his brain is as good as any other, the isolation from other kids because of his weak grades has made him weak. Which brings me to..
Problem Number Two:
I am not the highest scouring kid. The put me in the Average Category. The average category consists of a lot of children since it is widest one. It has got a vast amount of potential. These kids for the majority in the society yet they are the most widely underestimated. I was pushed into this box at the age of twelve and have only made it as far as the edge of the box. Which means I am teetering on the edge. I can easily talk to both sects but I don't fit in either categories.
Lastly:
My age poses a problem. My Mental Age and my physical age are not the same. Actually I don't have a mental age. I can be as carefree as a five year old or as serious as a thirty five year old. But I cannot be a teenager. I can't be dramatic or pout or publish my life on social media. (Although I can on this blog which is a totally different thing. Trust me, it is.) I think I might be bipolar but oh well! Age is but a number. And I don't have an age. Every year on my birthday, I look back and admire the experience I have gained not how old I have gotten.
So, today I finally got around to posting. I hope you'll be glad to know that I have set new goals and they no longer involve being driven every morning to a huge building which my office of a company that I own. They involve being happy and doing what I do best. I might get side tracked once in a while but I realized there is nothing that is more important. But following my dream won't make me rich then all the happiness and joy get from it will. Not that I won't pursue a career but I will do it because that is what I want. No more edges of boxes or categories by grade. Only and only me.
P.S- I am posting this without reading the whole thing from the start. I realize it may change topics at times but it describes what goes on in our minds.
