When I got up this morning, I could not recognize my relfected image in the mirror. I have changed overnight and to a scary degree. Wrinkles are extending around my eyes and my smile is turning yellow. There is nothing to be done to stop or even alter the natural decay of a skin. When I was younger I knew I was an introverted, even though I did not know this word. I hated extroverted persons, who are at ease with everybody, think aloud and are terribly successful with the other sex. Because I have always been the opposite, at odds with myself and others, ready to take the leave and eager to avoid confrontation, I have always hoped that one day I would change. Now I know that my character will stay what it is, and I will always be judged weirdo. I have never been shy; timidity is not the real problem for an introverted. The problem is that I would need time to think before acting. Dad would scream: "would you please move your butt you lazy thing". But it was not for laziness that my grades were low in school, especially on oral exams. They threw me to the middle of the classroom, in front of everybody, which is already terrifying enough, and then they posed me questions that required reasoning. How many times did I see my schoolmates work their way out by looking for an answer aloud? "The area of the triangle... Well if I take this axis and project it onto that one". But I could not. Unless I knew exactly the answer beforehand, I would never be able to work out a solution on the fly. Therefore, once I decided that I needed to study more to avoid flunking the class, my afternoons tuned into a nightmare of Latin translations, Euclidean geometry, English grammar, and what not! To reach the same proficiency as my extroverted friends, I would have to study three times as much. All this under my father's unforgiving eye, for whom success in school was the only measure of intelligence. In the end, introverted people are not inferior to the extroverted, but they are a few, and they never excel in life. The world belongs to those who spend hours on the phone, talk naturally to whomever is available, love smalltalk, reason aloud, and act without thinking. And because they're the majority, they do not see any of these behaviors as anomalous or ineffective. They seem to believe that action, any action, is better than thought. When confronted by these people, I still do not know what to do. I need time to think, to concentrate on my task, I need subjects to speak up, and trust to talk. "You must be a little more upfront to people" my dad would tell me. "You must talk to make a good impression. It is completely useless to keep things for yourself, Anne. You will never find a husband in this way" my teacher warned me. That prophecy I am afraid, is being fulfilled. I would like so much to meet someone new, but what an effort it is to go out, and get to know somebody, and act happy as if I were really eager to be there with them, whereas I would rather be home in front of my PC! It takes so long to get used to someone's defects, also bodily defects. I wish I were like my friend MH who can have as many one-night stands as she wants without feeling grossed out by those naked boys who ejaculate on her sheets. I hate to wash my sheets. It's so much work.
Introverted
When I got up this morning, I could not recognize my relfected image in the mirror. I have changed overnight and to a scary degree. Wrinkles are extending around my eyes and my smile is turning yellow. There is nothing to be done to stop or even alter the natural decay of a skin. When I was younger I knew I was an introverted, even though I did not know this word. I hated extroverted persons, who are at ease with everybody, think aloud and are terribly successful with the other sex. Because I have always been the opposite, at odds with myself and others, ready to take the leave and eager to avoid confrontation, I have always hoped that one day I would change. Now I know that my character will stay what it is, and I will always be judged weirdo. I have never been shy; timidity is not the real problem for an introverted. The problem is that I would need time to think before acting. Dad would scream: "would you please move your butt you lazy thing". But it was not for laziness that my grades were low in school, especially on oral exams. They threw me to the middle of the classroom, in front of everybody, which is already terrifying enough, and then they posed me questions that required reasoning. How many times did I see my schoolmates work their way out by looking for an answer aloud? "The area of the triangle... Well if I take this axis and project it onto that one". But I could not. Unless I knew exactly the answer beforehand, I would never be able to work out a solution on the fly. Therefore, once I decided that I needed to study more to avoid flunking the class, my afternoons tuned into a nightmare of Latin translations, Euclidean geometry, English grammar, and what not! To reach the same proficiency as my extroverted friends, I would have to study three times as much. All this under my father's unforgiving eye, for whom success in school was the only measure of intelligence. In the end, introverted people are not inferior to the extroverted, but they are a few, and they never excel in life. The world belongs to those who spend hours on the phone, talk naturally to whomever is available, love smalltalk, reason aloud, and act without thinking. And because they're the majority, they do not see any of these behaviors as anomalous or ineffective. They seem to believe that action, any action, is better than thought. When confronted by these people, I still do not know what to do. I need time to think, to concentrate on my task, I need subjects to speak up, and trust to talk. "You must be a little more upfront to people" my dad would tell me. "You must talk to make a good impression. It is completely useless to keep things for yourself, Anne. You will never find a husband in this way" my teacher warned me. That prophecy I am afraid, is being fulfilled. I would like so much to meet someone new, but what an effort it is to go out, and get to know somebody, and act happy as if I were really eager to be there with them, whereas I would rather be home in front of my PC! It takes so long to get used to someone's defects, also bodily defects. I wish I were like my friend MH who can have as many one-night stands as she wants without feeling grossed out by those naked boys who ejaculate on her sheets. I hate to wash my sheets. It's so much work.
