What do u do when the one person, you love and care about immensely, starts using drugs? Your best buddy…agony aunt… the one you ran to with every little detail of your life… sometimes secretly hoped that you’d find a guy like him… the guy you thought would always be there… the one you thought cares a great deal about you… voluntarily… purposely… decides to single handedly ruin his life? What do you do… what do I do…

I have no idea. The sense of loss I feel is staggering… because right now…as I write this post… he is thousands of miles away from me… smoking his life away. I told him… “If you do this, u can forget I ever existed.” His reply… “So?” I told him… “If you do this, the remotest of possibility of anything happening between you and me is over” his reply… “Just because I do this, it doesn’t make me a bad guy. Ive come too far to back out. If you can’t see that… it’s your wish. I can’t stop you” he hung up.

I just lost one of my best friends. Probably forever. Probably after this one night, things will never be the same again. And the helplessness I feel makes me cringe. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming… but I hoped against hope that I would be able to make it not happen. I couldn’t. I Failed.

The situation is funny though. I don’t know if he failed me or I failed him. But all I know is, I lost him. As we speak. And the sad aspect of this whole deal is… that after everything that is happening, im questioning our friendship that existed… or did it? Maybe, if he couldn’t consider the loss of our friendship before he did this… our friendship didn’t exist at all. I love him. He’s one of my best friends… but I can’t do a thing.

I guess you just can’t lose what you never had.

This post is for him. Hopefully, he’ll read it someday, and know that I loved him. I cared about him. And that I miss him. Miss the friend I had in him. I want him back.

I’m sorry I failed you.