"Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide. Voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time." - Sarah McLachlan

Where am I? In this crazy journey that I’d never fathomed I’d be a part of. I have classified my life as two parts since my son died: Before His Death & After His Death. I am coming to call that point between “The Great Divide” because it was definitely a division of everything I ever knew or everything I ever believed from before it & after it. There were a few times in my life I had to start over. I remember being an a rather abusive relationship in my late teens/early 20’s where this person tore me apart into pieces & I have often told people that the girl I was before that was completely gone & replaced with someone else. & part of that is true: he managed to destroy that carefree dreamer that I was before then. I remember feeling that those moments in time were the worst of my life. It took me a long time to get over it. To pick up those pieces & rebuild the person I was from the inside out. I was fairly certain that nothing I could face after that would be that bad or that destructive. That is, of course, until I held my dying son in my arms at fateful March morning. 

1,184. That’s how many days it’s been (today included) since my son took his last breath. It seems like such a long time. Some days it feels like a distance memory, others it feels like it was yesterday that I drove away from the hospital with empty, aching arms. So much has changed since then, but some stays the same. I think in my journey, I have the most fear about losing more from my life.

I worry about losing my relationship. I worry about losing my kids. Losing my way of life. Of something bad happening. Of the future being uncertain. Even moreso, the hopeful dreamer that had began to build herself back up from the first time she felt a “loss” is even more fearful of the great unknown that is the future. Even know, 1,184 days later .. I take it all one step at a time, one breath at at time.

Now if only I could remember to breathe. 

I don’t want to be defined by the great divide in my life. & I don’t think I am. But it’s definitely a huge part of me. It lives in my skin. In the broken heart I wear on my sleeve on a daily basis. Time will never be measured the same way again. 

♥ Leslie