I stand on a stage in front of 3,457 people in a pair of short black shorts that constantly ride up, a white button-down shirt that is impossible to keep buttoned, a pair of fishnets that are as fragile as porcelain, a glove that refuses to stay on, and a tie that tries its best to make this odd array of clothing articles somehow look professional.  My hands are cold and clammy, sweat is soaking through my white cotton shirt, and yet I wear a smile that is completely unbreakable.  As the lights form a circle around me, I begin to perform a dance that I have practiced a million and one times.  I go through the motions one at a time giving each and every one every last bit of energy I have while trying my best to not cease breathing.  As the ending song comes to a close, I strike the very last pose, feeling absolutely confident that I not only nailed every move, but that I looked good while doing it.

I grew up in a family where body image is considered to be very important.  I cannot remember how old I was when I was first called fat.  For as long as I can remember my parents (particularly my father) have stressed to me that I need to lose weight.  Even my two younger brothers have made the weight criticisms to me time after time again.  It is not easy to admit that my body image issues started at a fairly young age, but it is even more difficult to admit that the problem originated within my own family.  I know that my family was just trying to protect me from the pain that comes along with being overweight.  I do not resent them for making the constant remarks about it, but I truly believe that their comments Caused more harm than good.

In every relationship I enter, I am absolutely convinced that the other person sees nothing more than the weight.  It takes a lot for me to be able to convince myself that this is not true.  It is a constant battle that I have been fighting since I was fifteen years old.  From the age of fifteen until about the age of nineteen, my weight consumed about 95% of my thoughts.  Although this percentage has decreased dramatically, I can honestly say that I believe that I will be forced to battle the automatic assumptions on how others view me for the rest of my life.

Now, I am sure that there are at least a few of you who are sitting there reading this thinking that I am an extremely overweight or even obese person.  This is not true.  I am actually 5’ 2” and I weigh exactly 162.5 pounds.  And I mean, exactly 162.5 pounds.  Even as I type out those four little numbers I feel a twinge of anxiety about divulging a Number that I find to be so personal, to the blogging world.  However, I know that a year or two ago, I would never have been able to share that number with anyone at all.

From the description I gave of the Costume I had to wear for my performance, I am sure it is obvious that it was not an ideal costume for any weight-conscious girl to wear.  However, as I entered the stage and danced my heart out in front of such a large audience I can honestly say that I did not feel self-conscious.  I did not feel as though people were looking at me like I was too fat to be dancing in such an outfit, as I would typically believe.  In fact, I felt confident.  For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was Attractive.  Is it sad that I just turned twenty-one years old and I am just now starting to believe I am an attractive person?  I do find it to be sad, but the thing that saddens me even more, is the idea that some girls (and boys) will go their whole lives never truly believing that they are attractive people.

I cannot really explain to people how much the Competition meant to me, because how do you explain to someone that some seemingly minor dance competition has caused you to recognize that you have made some incredible change within yourself?  It took this competition for me to realize that 95% of my thoughts are no longer consumed with weight and that my weight does not define me, nor does it make me unattractive.  At last, I am indeed the confident and attractive individual I have always strived to be. And, I believe it.