I shouldn't be sitting here writing this; I have so much work to do my head is spinning. But my head spins for another reason too. I met someone. (How many times have I said or written these words? Shouldn't I know better by now?) I think for the purposes of this silly journal, I'm going to call him D.
Part of me doesn't want to say any more than that. I'm always certain someone is going to read this and cause problems for me. I'm afraid he'll read this and say, "Oh shit. All I wanted was a fuck buddy and this loony is going all googly-eyed over me." Which I guess is what happened with me and Danny the loser...I don't want to be on the other side of that sort of mistake. Ever.
It's probably best that I don't have his email address or screen name for a messaging program (yet), since I really am googly-eyed this morning. Googly-eyed but worried. Scared. I can't just ignore this, but this feeling has gotten me in trouble so many other times. I'm exhausted because I stayed up too late hoping he'd go back online. I want to track him down and ask him if he's some sort of hypnotist, though I know I'm just suggestible all on my own. All it takes is someone with the right proportions and types of intelligence, humor and desire.

I worry that I'm not good enough, every time I start to fall for someone...but if I really think about it, I'm plenty good, dammit. I like to take care of people who are good to me. That doesn't make a very good fuck buddy, but...well...I guess I just need to be patient and see where things go, if anywhere. The distance will make life difficult. I wonder if I told him that I didn't want to meet him in person until after my surgery and once I started to lose some weight, if he'd get frustrated and either drop me and disappear or tell me to get bent. I feel more like he'd try to talk me out of that, tell me that it doesn't matter. Part of me really really wants to hear that, that I'm ok the way I am and that anything I do to fix myself will only make me better. Part of me wants to hide under a rock and never come out, so I don't get hurt.