I’m Captain Probation - But I’m not a criminal.
They think that I’m not good enough to be a captain.
They think that I’m a liar.
They think that I can’t do it.

I think that I need a break.
I’m fine with admitting that.
I’m ok with keeping a log of all of the things that I say.
I’m fine with writing that.
I can attend all of your functions that you want
I can try to talk to these people who think I’m a joke.
I’ll try.

But if they think that they can break my spirit.
Then they are wrong.
They will be eating humble pie this Thanksgiving.

From my tumblr

Something major just happened in my Debate carer, but I don't want to tell anyone because I know that they don't want to hear me rant about how I feel. So I'm going to describe what happened.

I plan this event, this dodgeball event to be exact. I had to get everything set up. I had to talk to some people and just make sure that we had everything done. That is what I have to do - that is why I'm a captain. I know how to get things done. However, I had someone breathing down my neck and watching my every move. I got stressed out and then I grew increasingly worried about meeting my deadlines. But when I did, I passed them very quickly and then after this Monday "Dogeball day" everything went off without a hitch and I felt good about myself. I guess that wasn't true.

Today I was called into a meeting and was basically verbally blasted by our coach about not meeting my deadlines, and not being responsible. Basically, I can't be trusted for the time being by our coach. They wanted to claim that "I didn't have anything done on time, I didn't talk to the people that I needed to talk to and that I'm basically not at captain level processing right now." This is the second time that I've heard this speech. I also heard it last Friday when I got pulled out of class while enjoying our cookie party in newspaper. I should probably say that we are not even a month into school and that our debate season starts 2 months from now.

Of coarse there is an explanation for why things happen in life, and here is my own defense. I had a hard time meeting deadlines because I've been so sleep deprived in the past couple of weeks. It is still hard for me to wake up on time and to remember when all of my classes start. I've also have been having a difficult time in some of my classes (ie math) not because I'm stupid or because I don't know the material, but because I just don't have the adequate time to think about how I'm going to attack everything. I did talk to the people that I needed to, but our coach doesn't prefer e-mailing when we talk to other people for important things such as what I do. So when I said that I didn't talk to the person that I needed to talk to, I wasn't untruthful, but I guess when I told our coach that I "did" talk to them, they didn't believe me. And for all of these reasons, I think that they don't think that I can be a good enough captain. But I don't think that they really understand how hard it is for me to "be at captain level processing" right now.

It is hard for me right now because I'm dealing with the death of my grandfather. I couldn't stay though one of the events because I had to make sure that my mom was ok. And plus, that wasn't a good day for me anyway. I had to recover from being almost yelled at by my coach. Like most people, I don't like it when people get in my face and practically yell at me for not doing something. Of course I wouldn't show up to decorate shirts. I didn't feel like having fun with people who yell at me and just brush it off like it is nothing.

I'm currently taking 8 classes right now, all of them academic, no electives. 5 of those classes are high level classes, no fluff. I run 2 clubs full time and I'm also in 5 other clubs that need my attention. I'm holding down good grades in all of my classes or if not, I'm doing everything that I can to make sure that I can pull my grades up. I work flexible schedule when I can at the library shelving books and DVDs. I play in a band and I need to practice and write music when I can. I'm also recording an album on my own and I need the time to be creative. When I don't have time to relax, then you can say that I start to "loose it".

I've been pretty stressed out over the past couple of weeks mostly because I don't have time to be myself. Now that I've been probated I don't know if I would, should, or want to be involved with debate. It is kind of like a bad relationship. You love the person so much, but they occasionally want to be a jackass to you and they hurt you feelings a lot. When you finally start to say "Screw it, I'm done" they come back around and you start to remember the reason why you loved them all along. However, with my debate relationship, I'm just about at that "I'm so fucking sick of you and if you ever do anything to me again, then you'll never see me again" point. But since this is my last year, I'm going to work my ass off to make sure that I don't get reprimanded again.

And to make sure that I don't get probated again, my coaches made me meet 3 guidelines before Thanksgiving.
1) Come in at least 2 days a week to help other members.
2) Mentor a member to make sure that they can achieve success.
3) Come to all planned functions and if I can't go be sure to tell one of our coaches.

I don't think that this is such a bad bargain, but at the same time, I think that it isn't fair. I feel like I'm being *singled out*  by our coaches, but at the same time, I'm going to take this opportunity and use it to my advantage by doing everything that I can to be the best social events captain that I can be. I still am going to be a little bit bitter for a while (who knows, I might be a little bit bitter until I get my full captain status back). But trust me, I'm not a liar, I'm not a awful person, I'm not a stuck up brat that doesn't know anything. I'm a good person, that is caught up in a bad situation.