Last Sunday I was watching a recording of the Oprah Winfrey Show that featured a Woman who sued her ex-husband for infecting her with HIV. My friend had advised me to record it, so as I sat at my kitchen table cutting up cabbage and green beans, I watched the woman tell her story. She had been successful and happy on her own. Finding the man she married was the icing on her cake. His deception lead to the complete devastation of her life. She lost everything: her health, money, peace of mind, and the dream life with the man she had chosen to be her husband.

I fast forwarded through the commercials and spoke judgmentally to the woman’s ex-husband (who was not on the show, mind you). And there was the question that filled me: How is a woman supposed to trust any man when she hears stories like this? Then I got to the end of the segment. The woman revealed that she had a new man and that she was pregnant with his child. As she spoke with passion about this new man and the life she was growing inside her, my thoughts turned inward. I knew that I needed to see this show for two reasons: I needed to look upon a woman who had been horribly betrayed but was still taking another chance at love. I needed to see an example of grace in the flesh.

After the show I called the friend who told me to record the show to ask if she had watched the episode yet. She hadn’t and in accordance with what is normal for us, I spoiled it for her and told her about the woman’s new love. I said you would think this woman would not take the risk of loving another man. “No,” my friend started, “that’s one of the fundamental differences between you and me even to this day.” I said an internal “ouch” and made a weak attempt to defend myself then decided against it. This particular friend and I had debated for weeks after my divorce was final two years ago about the existence of good men out there…somewhere in the world. She was making the argument that there are good men out there. My argument went something like this: If there are good men out there, exactly where the hell are they and why do they continue to allow the scum of their sex to represent them? My opinion was harsh; I was still hurting. It’s different now, actually in an on-going process of transformation. But what has stuck with my girlfriend was my indignation. My heart and mind are changed, but all she sees is my initial anger.

I had been reading about detachment that week and that is why I did not continue to defend myself. I’m not one to back down from a good argument, so I attribute my behavior to my reading. In that moment, I understood what it meant to detach from another person’s perception of me and even from my normal reaction to judgment. When I say detachment, I don’t mean the kind that leads people to have little or no regard for other people’s feelings. It’s not the kind of detachment that doesn’t give a damn if a person is hurting or in need of kindness. No, the kind of detachment I’m talking about relates to outcome. Deepak Chopra describes it best in the Law of Detachment:

I will allow myself and those around me the freedom to be as they are. I will not rigidly impose my idea of how things should be. I will not force solutions on problems, thereby creating new problems. I will participate in everything with detached involvement.

To follow this principle, I have to relinquish my desire to dictate what other people think of me. I recognize that the changes I am making in my life are microscopic to people looking in from the outside. I know that I am different (not supernaturally different or even glaringly different), but I don’t think the change will be evident to other people until I sell my house and move to another state, get published by a major publisher, or start a new relationship with a man, or anything not quiet and simple. I understand that people need to see big moves before they can adjust their initial perspectives about a person. I also understand that the changes that have occurred in my life are no less significant because the people around me don’t acknowledge them.

The other part of detachment that I grasped this week was not being married to outcome. Goals are great. Desires are even better; but beating the house on the outcome of our goals and desires leads to emotional turmoil. In the past I have propped up my self-esteem on the successful outcome of my marriages, my relationships with family and friends, my ability to make money, and acceptance by complete strangers. The thing is that none of that has any true bearing on who I am. A failed attempt at a goal or even rejection does not change who I am as a person. It doesn’t change my infrastructure. Well… it shouldn’t. It has in the past. Now, I spend more time addressing my reaction to events because that’s where I believe my power lies.

Practicing detachment also requires that I relinquish my desire to control other people’s responses. I have been reaching out to an old friend lately. Trying to open the lines of communication by sharing what I’ve been through during the last few years and encouraging…nudging him to do the same. Well, not actually nudging. I’m just not that subtle. He says he’s an open book, but when I ask questions the book he presents has no words or even pictures. One night, after e-mailing with him back and forth, I wasn’t getting the depth of information I was looking for. I responded to another one of his “I’m an open book” comments with, “OK. I get it.” I’ll admit that I was being an asshole as I typed the words and hit the send button. But as I moved through my house that night considering his side of things, I realized that it really was okay that he wasn’t opening up to me and I really did get it. Just because I am at a place in my life where I feel the need and the freedom to open up to people doesn’t not mean that every person I encounter is in the same place. I have a desire for the sharing to go both ways, but I have no control over his responses and I should not be married to the idea that he will bend to my will.

I know from experience that being attached to an outcome can make you crazy and close your heart and mind to the alternative outcomes that may have never been considered. So, the new goal is to be open to all possibilities, to even (dare I say it) be open to the uncertainty of life. I will continue to strive and pursue my desires, but leave the endings open and free to bend to the will of the universe.-MBL