Choice . . . don´t give me too much choice - it confuses me! 10 minutes to set up a blog page . . . . um, maybe for YOU - it took me hours . . . what template to use? What photo? Favourite films - OMG what are my favourite films???!! Books? I´ve read about 3,000 and I´m being asked to choose which are my favourite?? As for trying to get my Zazzle panels right – well, you can see I failed miserably there! I´ve been told that I´m a perfectionist – that a lot of alcoholics are. I couldn´t see this for ages, but I´m seeing it more and more now – it´s a pain in the bum because everything takes soooooo long . . . . and I always fall far short of anything like perfection!
Anyway, now I have my blog page more or less sorted and what do I have before me? A blank page . . . . . what shall I write? . . . . is this like life – do I only get one chance to make a first impression? Then I remember that I´m an alcoholic, and that for most of my life I´ve made the wrong impression – don´t sweat it girl, you´re sober today and you have a story to tell . . . . and some nice shiny new products to sell – yes, I DO want you to take a look at my shops and maybe even buy something – then you can look at it and say to yourself “Hey, that crazy alcoholic lady made this – ain´t that da bomb!” Not that I can believe for one moment that anyone actually speaks like that, but maybe you do, and I´m not gonna judge you for it :-)
I´m not just here to tout my stuff (cool, cute and wonderful though it is – and how you´ve lived without these things in your life up to now is beyond me). I´m also here to share my journey in sobriety with you. I had no idea I was actually going to do that until I started writing today – but now I know it´s absolutely the right thing to do. When I first got sober I started to correspond a lot with people and also use forums for recovering alcoholics – so, I have a LOT of rambling to share with you! I was planning on trying to make it into a book . . . . but somehow or another I just haven´t got around to it yet. It´s no use to anyone sat on my computer though, so I´m going to share it with you, and if the most useful thing it does for anyone is entertain them – well, that´s not a bad thing.
I just want to point out that I do NOT speak for AA. This is just my own experience and any opinions I express here are mine (and possibly mine alone!).
Ok, I´m going to take a deep breath and dive in here. It´s baring my soul time and I have a little bit of fear about it . . . . but, here goes . . . .
The greatest misconception about me, as a chronic alcoholic, is that alcohol is my problem. You could certainly be excused for thinking that. If you knew all the problems alcohol caused me, and – more importantly - those around me, it would be natural to assume that when I stopped drinking, my problems would be solved - but alcohol was not my problem, it was my SOLUTION.
Acute alcoholics develop alcoholism through excessive drinking – but I´m a chronic alcoholic and I was “suffering” from alcoholism before I even took my first drink. I´m not a chronic alcoholic because I drank obsessively and abusively. I drank obsessively and abusively BECAUSE I´m alcoholic.
I suffer from alcoholism when I´m sober. Drinking relieves that suffering, and for many years it was alcohol that helped me to survive life – without it I would have, no doubt, committed suicide. I had a sense from early childhood of not fitting in. I didn´t feel a part of anything – I always felt apart from everything and everyone. Nothing really made any sense to me and I didn´t feel comfortable in my own skin. I didn´t like myself even as a small child and I was painfully shy, withdrawn and deeply unhappy. I was suffering from alcoholism BEFORE alcohol even came into my life.
March 2008
When I was 8 years old my cousins thought it would be funny to see what effect alcohol would have on me. I guess most normal kids of that age would have taken one sip, declared it disgusting and then drank no more. Not me. It was homemade wine and no doubt it was pretty grim, but that´s not what I remember about it. What I remember is that all of a sudden I had found something that made me feel good about myself. I didn´t feel shy or tortured. I didn´t feel inadequate, and all of a sudden I felt like I could talk to my cousins and not feel like a silly little kid. Without realising it, I had found the answer to all of my problems. At 8 years old I drank and drank and didn´t stop until someone stopped me. I drank until I fell over. I loved it.
For the first time ever I had escaped from the unbearable feelings I lived with every day. It was like a switch had flipped and all of those feelings just vanished. For those few hours of drinking I was not unhappy in my own skin. For the first time ever - I liked me. I had found a magic potion.
Fast forward to March 2008. I´m 41 years old, and I´m trying to find the courage to end my life. I have NO IDEA that I´m an alcoholic. I´m aware that I´m drinking much more than I used to but I´ve always been a drinker – drinking has been a part of my life since childhood and I´m unable (and unwilling) to see that I might have a serious problem in regards to the amount of alcohol I´m consuming. My life is so horrible that I feel the need to drink more to cope with it all – but I´m not coping at all. I want to die. I´m living alone in an isolated village in a foreign country, with no real friends, no job, no income, no transport, and 7 animals that depend on me for their survival. My life is unmanageable and I feel powerless to do anything about it. I just can´t live like this anymore but I have no idea how I can get out of the situation. I hate myself and I hate my life - but I´m too frightened to die. I´m also too frightened to live. I´m frightened of everything. I have terrible crushing phobias that make it almost impossible for me to use ANY form of transport as I´m terrified that I´m going to be in a horrible accident . . . . and I can see it in ALL it´s gory detail. Every journey in a car is pure hell for me, so I´ve given up going anywhere – it´s just not worth the agony.
I have a strong desire to cram at least 100 painkillers down my throat and then stick my head in the gas oven – because I am deadly serious about ending my life and I don´t want there to be ANY mistakes. I have seen for myself the failed attempts at suicide – it is not pretty. But I just do not have the guts to do it – I´m consumed by the fear of messing it up. Who will look after my animals if I´m successful in my attempt . . . . and who will look after them if I mess it up and end up a brain dead vegetable??? Either way they´re screwed – and so am I.
I have pains in my kidneys and liver (at a guess) and I´m sick every morning. I can´t sleep or eat, and I cry a lot. I´ve lost around 25lbs in body weight in less than 12 months, without even trying. But nobody knows there´s anything really wrong with me, because when I step out of my front door I´m dressed nicely and I´ve already had a few drinks to make going out bearable. I´m still reasonably sociable when I drink with others - but I´m alone and desolate inside. I look like I´m having fun – sometimes. But by the end of the evening I´m sat at the bar crying, confused and desolate. My mask is starting to slip. When I get home a sort of madness descends upon me and I´m terrified. Only more drinking keeps it at bay. I feel that I´m losing my mind. I drink until about 5 or 6am and try to snatch a few hours of sleep. It´s almost impossible because my mind just won´t shut off, there´s constant noise and chatter, and crazy scary thoughts which make me terrified of myself and everything around me. I lie rigid with fear wishing I would die there in bed so that I don’t have to face another day – and another night.
When I get up a few hours later, all I want to do is drink, but if I drink in the morning it might mean I have a drinking problem, and I just can´t face that possibility. Drinking is all I have left that feels good. I feel dead and empty inside, but at the same time fearful, paranoid and emotional. I drink coffee until noon. Then I feel it´s ok to drink beer. If I don’t drink in the morning, I can´t possibly be an alcoholic – right? I drink a couple litres of beer during the day, and then, if I stay in, I drink at maybe a couple of litres of wine (mixed with lemonade because I think it makes me drink less). Sometimes I´ll go out in the early afternoon with the intention of just having a couple of beers and then coming home. I´m always confused when I´m the last one to leave the bar at around 2am. Whilst I´m drinking I get anxious when the glass is less than half full, and I have to get another one lined up ready. I cannot afford to take the risk that the barman will be unavailable to serve me immediately when I´ve finished my drink – it´s got to the stage where my drinking has to be continual and uninterrupted once I start or I start to have a panic attack. I have some small idea that this may not be normal, but I don´t pay much attention to it, because as far as I´m concerned it´s the rest of my life that´s the problem – not alcohol. But, when I drink, I´m loud, and overly friendly. I get myself into situations that make me confused, paranoid, and full of self loathing the next day. I have blackouts - I don´t remember how I got from one place to another and I don´t remember conversations I´ve had and things I´ve done. I become almost too scared to go out – I can´t trust myself. One day I go out at noon to get some groceries, and I don´t come home until 5.30am. Despite my BEST intentions to just go shopping and not to stop for a drink, I somehow end up drinking for 17 hours – and come home without any groceries.
Life gets worse and worse until it becomes no more than a living death. One day in March 2008 I decide that I must stop drinking. I don’t want to stop, but I have no idea what else to do – I´m desperate. I cannot imagine a life without alcohol, but I cannot go on with my life as it is, as I feel that I´m teetering on the edge of complete insanity . . . .
. . . . and that´s enough for now I think. I don´t want to bore you rigid with my first post, or have you crying into your coffee!
More soon I think. Thanks for taking the time to read me :-) Oh, by the way - how long do you think it´s taken me to suss out how to copy and paste my post into this blog . . . . . .
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