I am a newly separated middle age woman and I've been on this journey for four months now. When people ask me what I'm feeling, I tell them I feel untethered. It's like I am a hot air balloon that use to be moored to the ground by ropes and the ropes have been cut and I have been set adrift with nothing to hold onto anymore that makes me feel safe. My life is changing, evolving into something that I didn't expect it to and I am drifting, trying to find a safe place to land again, trying to find what has meaning in my life. I am questioning everything about my life, except being a Mom. I am untethered. Some people might see this as a positive thing, for me it is scary.
Our separation was 'mutual' at least thats what we told our kids and tell our friends and family, it makes everyone more comfortable - I think. He wanted to leave, I wanted him to go because he had become impossible to live with because he wanted to leave. He stopped loving me, I didn't stop loving him, but I did stop liking him. He isn't the man I married anymore, he is a stranger to me now. I don't understand what he is doing, what he is thinking or how he can so confidentally walk away, never doubting that it is the 'right' thing to do. I am full of doubts, full of regrets, probably enough for both of us, which is a good thing because he doesn't have any. I have known this man since I was 15, we built our lives together, our family and a business. We trusted each other to be there for what I thought was forever.
Was it a surprise? No, he had been talking about leaving for a long time, but he is one of those people that make empty threats so I ignored it, or at least downplayed it in my mind.
Was I devastated? Yes and no. Sad more than anything, empty, confused, lonely and then continuing sadness, some days more than others. Now, four months later, I still feel a little in shock at the effect it is having on my life and will continue to have on my life for the rest of my life. I think that is the hardest thing to face, the rest of your life because it is such an unknown.
I'm one of those people who turns to self help books in times of need and so I have been doing that and I haven't been able to find any that are giving me what I want to know. I want details. I want to know when its acceptable to stop wearing your wedding ring, I want to know what to do with his old shoes that I don't know if he wants. I want advice on how I know when it is 'safe' to give people more intimate information and when I should keep my mouth shut. I like details.
Since there wasn't anything out there that made me feel better and gave me what I was looking for I thought I might start writing about my experiences here and maybe someone who is going through this with me, or after me can learn a little from my experiences and thoughts. Some of my thoughts are rational and some irrational, but aren't everyone's?
I sincerley hope someone can benefit from the lessons I am learning now.
Lanne
Our separation was 'mutual' at least thats what we told our kids and tell our friends and family, it makes everyone more comfortable - I think. He wanted to leave, I wanted him to go because he had become impossible to live with because he wanted to leave. He stopped loving me, I didn't stop loving him, but I did stop liking him. He isn't the man I married anymore, he is a stranger to me now. I don't understand what he is doing, what he is thinking or how he can so confidentally walk away, never doubting that it is the 'right' thing to do. I am full of doubts, full of regrets, probably enough for both of us, which is a good thing because he doesn't have any. I have known this man since I was 15, we built our lives together, our family and a business. We trusted each other to be there for what I thought was forever.
Was it a surprise? No, he had been talking about leaving for a long time, but he is one of those people that make empty threats so I ignored it, or at least downplayed it in my mind.
Was I devastated? Yes and no. Sad more than anything, empty, confused, lonely and then continuing sadness, some days more than others. Now, four months later, I still feel a little in shock at the effect it is having on my life and will continue to have on my life for the rest of my life. I think that is the hardest thing to face, the rest of your life because it is such an unknown.
I'm one of those people who turns to self help books in times of need and so I have been doing that and I haven't been able to find any that are giving me what I want to know. I want details. I want to know when its acceptable to stop wearing your wedding ring, I want to know what to do with his old shoes that I don't know if he wants. I want advice on how I know when it is 'safe' to give people more intimate information and when I should keep my mouth shut. I like details.
Since there wasn't anything out there that made me feel better and gave me what I was looking for I thought I might start writing about my experiences here and maybe someone who is going through this with me, or after me can learn a little from my experiences and thoughts. Some of my thoughts are rational and some irrational, but aren't everyone's?
I sincerley hope someone can benefit from the lessons I am learning now.
Lanne
This post first appeared on Surviving Separation: My Journey As It Unfolds, please read the originial post: here
