I realize that this blog is kind of random, my intention is to share my thoughts and feelings as I maneuver my way through this new place I have come to live in as a 'previously married' woman. My intention isn't to get emotional and spew forth all the thoughts that plague me in the middle of the night, but it could happen. I'm trying to be a positive role model, like the ones I want in my life. Everyone tells me that I am doing amazingly well adjusting to this new life, but they don't live with me and they don't see how often I break down in tears. They can't get in my mind to hear the thoughts that run through my head that are determined to break my heart. It is these things that I am trying to find space from so I can live a happy life.
My emotions take over from time to time and sometimes it is really hard to get out of the self pity party into a more positive mindset. Logically I know that I am in a better place by myself than I was with a husband that wasn't supportive and didn't care about me. My head understands that I am better off now, but my heart is still in a fractured state which brings me to tears more often than I want to admit - even to myself. How I can still feel "love" for this man that brought me so much emotional pain, I really don't understand. But I do feel "love" for him and if I am completely honest with myself what I really want is for him to realize how much he still loves me and for him to come running back to me. He has made it perfectly clear that this isn't going to happen and I believe him, but it doesn't stop me from wishing. I want my heart to be whole again, I want my family to be whole again. I want what I had and took for granted, even though I know it was an Unhealthy Relationship. The thing is, it was my unhealthy relationship and I was comfortable in it.
So I've chosen (rationally) to stay as positive as possible, to move forward with my life, to try really, really hard to not let myself dive into the pool of self pity because in reality I still have a lot of wonderful things in my life, especially my kids. I feel privledged to share their lives with them and to have a close tie to them. I also have some great friends who have shown me their support and my family, although they are physically distant from me, have also been very supportive. I have to chose every day to love my life the way it is now and make the best of it -because it is my life and I refuse to give anyone power over my happiness other than myself.
Lanne
My emotions take over from time to time and sometimes it is really hard to get out of the self pity party into a more positive mindset. Logically I know that I am in a better place by myself than I was with a husband that wasn't supportive and didn't care about me. My head understands that I am better off now, but my heart is still in a fractured state which brings me to tears more often than I want to admit - even to myself. How I can still feel "love" for this man that brought me so much emotional pain, I really don't understand. But I do feel "love" for him and if I am completely honest with myself what I really want is for him to realize how much he still loves me and for him to come running back to me. He has made it perfectly clear that this isn't going to happen and I believe him, but it doesn't stop me from wishing. I want my heart to be whole again, I want my family to be whole again. I want what I had and took for granted, even though I know it was an Unhealthy Relationship. The thing is, it was my unhealthy relationship and I was comfortable in it.
So I've chosen (rationally) to stay as positive as possible, to move forward with my life, to try really, really hard to not let myself dive into the pool of self pity because in reality I still have a lot of wonderful things in my life, especially my kids. I feel privledged to share their lives with them and to have a close tie to them. I also have some great friends who have shown me their support and my family, although they are physically distant from me, have also been very supportive. I have to chose every day to love my life the way it is now and make the best of it -because it is my life and I refuse to give anyone power over my happiness other than myself.
Lanne
This post first appeared on Surviving Separation: My Journey As It Unfolds, please read the originial post: here
