I don’t have a stupid heart condition, I have an addiction to my goddamned electric cigarette is what it is!  My heart always feels constricted at night, when I lay in bed and vape the most.  Duh Mel.  Duh.

I’m sitting at Cheshire Coffee trying to work on my new business website.  I can’t do it at home.  I tried for weeks now to do it at home but I end up playing my game all day, or going out to do other shit.

I had so much trouble getting here today.  I fell asleep around 1:30AM and woke up at 8AM to pee.  I fell right back to sleep and didn’t wake up until 12:30 in the afternoon.

And I can’t move when I do that.  I can’t get out of bed.  I vape and watch Netflix and if I start playing my game, that’s it.  The day disappears.  It’s all over.  If I’m feeling frisky, I order take-out at J Sushi.

But here I am at Cheshire Coffee.  I made it.

I need to make a To Do list for my new business.  If I don’t write one up, nothing gets done and I stay good and confused for weeks at a time in a too-much-sleep-induced coma.  Completely immobile.

So, here’s my list.  Everything I need to do in the order I need to do them:

1. Finish my website
2. File the articles of organization
3. Obtain an EIN (I do not need to register for CT state tax due to no employee’s)
4. Once I receive my papers, open a business checking account.
5. Put $1500 in that checking account
6. Buy surround sound stereo
7. Buy Ipod
8. Buy iPad and Square stand
9. Find an office
10. Buy two tracfones
11. Finish website adding address and phone number, schedulicity and gift certificates
12. Order business cards and Gift Certs
13. Decorate the massage office
14. Write up an employee handbook
15. Hire independent contractors
16. Email blast with birthday massage offer
17. Cross your fingers and hope for the best

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It’s now the next day.  The new website is pretty much done.  It looks immaculate, better than my last one.  I want to show off my new website to the world.  I’m so freaking proud of it, I can’t stop looking at it.

Truthfully, it was hard for me to choke down what I was selling in the beginning, but the more I researched and wrote about it, I somehow converted myself into a full-on believer.  I believe in what I’m selling.  I’m a fucking fanatic.  I’m not embellishing!  I fucking love what we’re about!

I also upped my prices and I’m adding in a 45 Minute massage option.  Without the 45 minute option, it’s possible that my therapists will end up with a huge gap in their schedule because a 75 minute session wouldn’t be able to fit where a 45 minute session can.

A 75 minute massage is $90, with the loyalty coupon it will be $70.  This is still a very competitive price in my area.

A 45 minute massage is $54, with the loyalty coupon it will be $44.

I mulled over these numbers a lot and they make total sense.  Mathematically, they make sense – and it’s more sensible to offer 75 minutes and 45 minutes rather than the traditional 90 and 60.  I can fit more people in this way, get more bang for my buck, and the therapists will be happy they won’t have to give grueling 90 minute massages and the 45 minutes are easy money.

And the dollar amount of both massage options is divisible by 18 – my lucky number.  Perfect I say!  I just want to shout the word FUCK.  FUCKING PERFECT!

Down the road I’m thinking about keeping the business open on Mondays – Once we have clients rebooking and enough therapists to cover the extra day, why not stay open on Mondays?  I literally lose nothing.  The only reason to stay closed on Monday now is because we don’t have enough clients or therapists to fill a full 7 day work week.

But once we do have enough…..let’s run the numbers again.  This time, adding in the extra day and calculating the new price increase.

We can fit 6 75-minutes massages in one day.  If those 6 clients pay the coupon price of $70, the therapist gets $31.25 while I get $38.75.  I just want to point out that what I make is almost even with what the therapist makes.  This is how it should be at all massage businesses.

Okay, so $38.75 X 6 =$232.50 a day.

$232.50 X 7 days a week = $1627.50 a week

$1627.50 X 4 weeks a month = $6510 a month.

I mean holy fucking crap, right?  But that’s the absolute most I can make.  And in truth, I’m not going to hit anywhere near those kinds of numbers.  It’s next to impossible.

Plus I have the birthday massages to contend with…..

Let’s run the numbers if all I sell are 45 minute birthday massages…..

They take up an hour time slot and there are 12 hours in one work day.  45 minute birthday massages cost a mere $27.  $18.75 of that goes to the therapist, so that leaves me with $8.25.

$8.25 X 12 = $99 a day

$99 X 7 days a week = $693 a week

$693 X 4 weeks a month = $2772 a month

I tell you what, $2772 a month is a whole bunch of money.  Minus $500 for rent, that’s still $2272 a month.

I’m telling you, I’m a completely rational, logical person (most of the time) and according to me, no matter how I slice it, I still come up on top.  Now lets figure in if I had 6 of these businesses….beep boop beep…..$2272 X 6 = $13,632!

Shit ballz that’s a lot.

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I just got home from my pool league.  It’s my third week playing and it’s not the hassle I thought it would be.  I’m actually quite enjoying it.  Tonight I played my buddy, Mike, whom I haven’t seen in years.  It’s a complete coincidence that I played him.  I didn’t even know he played.

But I’ll leave my pool league adventures for another post.  For now I want to run the numbers again.  Boring, I know, but I’m obsessed.

I had a few beers……I’m watching season 3 of “The Path” on Netflix.  It’s a good show.  They base their entire religion off the teachings of ayahuasca but they don’t come right out and say it.  But I know.

Anyway, let’s project my income if I have only one birthday massage and one coupon massage a day.  Now, this projected income would be the absolute LOWEST it can go.  At no time, even in the beginning, would there be only 2 clients a day.  But let’s just see what it would look like….

One 45 minute birthday massage a day would be $8.25 and one 75 minute coupon massage would be $38.75.  That equals out to be $47 a day.

$47 X 7 = $329 a week

$329 X 4 weeks a month = $1316 a month.  Minus $500 for rent leaves me with $816 a month.

At no point in my calculations does this sound like a bad idea.  Do you see what I’m seeing?  Are we seeing the same thing?  Anyone who thinks this is a bad idea, or that I’m greedy or blinded by false optimism – they’re obviously not seeing what I’m seeing.

This is a very real, very doable business.  And all parties involved are happy.  Client is happy – they’re paying a competitive price for a service they can’t find anywhere else (this massage is very unique), my therapists will be happy because they can work whenever they want and not have to give the same monotonous massage 6 clients a day with little pay.  And I’ll be happy because, well, look at the numbers.

Seriously, every way I slice it, it’s the most perfect layout.  In all ways, perfect.

Shit, I’m tired.  I’m going to sleep very well tonight.  Only 12 more minutes of “The Path” and it’s lights out for me.