I paid off $43,000 of debt in the last 12 months.  Call me crazy, but I’m more proud of that than anything else I’ve accomplished in this life.  In perspective, it’s kind of sad that my proudest moments revolve around debt.

I still have $12,500 left to go but with the groupons now expired, I have a clean slate to start all over again.  Paying off $12,500 won’t take long at all.  Not only that, but it’ll be paid while I sit home and do nothing.

I still can’t believe it.  The sitting home part I mean.  Last year during the summer I somehow ended up with 5 free days to myself.  I still remember it so clearly.  Each day felt like a blessing, but I had that uneasy feeling I get when leaving my business unattended.  This time however, I have a receptionist.  Not only a receptionist, but a better crew in general than I had last year.

If I were to have 5 days off again, I won’t have to suffer through that uneasy feeling.  At least, not as much as before.

Tomorrow, Sunday April 22, 2017 will be my last and final busy day on the schedule.  I have 4 clients.  After that, I have one or two clients every day next week and starting in May, I’ve got no one.

I know tomorrow is my last big day, but it’s hard to comprehend it emotionally.  All I’ve been doing for the last 4 years was work and sleep.  And just when I thought I could take a breather from it all, I was shortly back at it taking clients again.  That’s why it doesn’t feel real this time.  I’m not as excited as I should be.

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My friend who owns the massage place next to me is working a LOT.  I see her car there every time I pull into the parking lot.  I saw she put herself on Groupon and I remember those days when it was just me with all those groupon clients coming in – I wouldn’t want to re-live that again, but I had peace of mind and stable income.  And the understanding that it’s only temporary.  It was actually less stress than having employee’s.

But I can’t help feeling responsible for her having to put herself on Groupon.  I did move into her territory after all.  And we do massage roughly 20 clients a day.  I’m scared to text her because anything I say will have a negative impact.

Has that ever happened to you?  No matter what comes out of your mouth, it sounds bad?

“So, how’s work?”  “How’ve you been?”  “Want to grab lunch?”

All those questions are annoyances when coming from the mouth of the source of your stress.

“No I don’t want fucking lunch!  I’m elbow deep in body grease because of you, you fool!”

We’re in the same industry and the only way I can escape the nickel and dime toil of it all was to join the ranks of business owners.  But it comes at a price.

As for another friend….

One of my friends is going through a tough time right now.  A really tough time.   And she wants me to hire her.

It’s not going to happen.  There are many reason as to why I’m not hiring her, I’ll tell you the biggest reasons…

She’s a drug addict.  Drug addicts steal.  And they don’t come any more broke than she does.

Her brain no longer works properly because of the drugs.  She talks like she’s manic, in a frenzy, can’t calm down.  And she speaks like she has marbles in her mouth.

She’s one of those people who thinks they know it all, but has no idea.  She may even be combative.

If she walked in off the street for an interview, I wouldn’t hire her.

The worst part is, she told me she’d work for free.  Just to have something on her resume.  How the hell am I going to get around that obstacle?  I don’t want her here at all!

Last night on the phone she was talking in her marbled, manic way, trying to convince me to hire her.

Her on the phone – “Did I sell myself to you?  How’d I do?”

I felt like I was going to puke.  I felt horrible.  I mean, what kind of “friend” am I?  I’m no friend at all.  Friends don’t do this.  But there’s no way she’s going to work for me, not even for free.

Me – “Well, I’m being sued right now so ……”

Her – “Let me handle your lawyer, I can do all the paperwork and he can speak to me directly.”

It’s almost like what I wrote about before, how everything out of your mouth sounds bad, no matter what it is.  It was like that with her last night and I wanted it to stop.

And the kicker…..this is the same girl I was literally in love with when I was 21 years old, 16 years ago.  I never loved anyone as much as I loved her, I still haven’t.  It’s the honest to gods truth!

But now…..now…..holy shit how the hell did this happen?  How can emotions shift so drastically like that?  Well, it’s been 16 years but still…..I’ve never felt anything as strongly as that only for it to be erased completely.

Shit I have to take a shower.

Today I got up, went to work to give a massage, came back home and played my video game, went back to work for one client, went home and played my game again.  I haven’t showered and I’m supposed to go out for my friends b-day party at a Roller Rink – yes a bunch of 37 year olds at a roller rink – it sounds fantastic!  I have to be there in exactly one hour.

But even on days like this when I only have 2 clients, it still wears me out.  There’s no way around it.  It’s why I’ve stopped exercising.  It’s why I stopped doing…..anything.  I literally don’t do anything anymore.

But it’s all going to change.  It’s going to change after next week.  I still can’t believe it.