I have been a bit of a loner for a lot of my adult life. I have a few "acquaintences" that I maintain realtionships but very little room or energy for the responsibility of true friendships. Alot of the people that I interact with are folks that I worked with at various times in my life and our conversations are pretty much limited to the business hours of nine to five when we can interact and catch up via IM. Its worked for me and been fulfilling for my lifestyle at the moment. Since my mother passed I have noticed a shift in how I view my interactions with others. When she was here, I didn't have a need for a lot of other people in my life. I had my mom, my man, and my baby. All bases were covered. I won't say that I was antisocial, but I do feel that these people in my life fulfilled me so greatly on every level, that I didn't want to venture out and risk my happiness with people who didn't have the same level of contentment in their lives. When my mother left me, my whole world was turned upside down. I began to feel alienated from a lot of people:family, the few friends that I had held on to, the person that I'm in a relationship with even. After my first year of grief I identified with my loneliness and after seperating those feelings from the grief for my mother I made efforts to reach out to others and taking all the risks typical of new relationships. I can say with complete honesty that over the past year or so, I have laid the foundation for what I feel could be great life long friendships. I can't say how grateful I am for that. The bond of common experiences, the strength I derive from the struggles of these people is beyond my ability to express. Parts of me imagine what my life would have been like if I had met these people years ago. Would they have inspired me to be a different woman, a better woman? I know that some advice and positive energy that I have received in just the past week have opened my eyes to changes that will make the rest of my LIFE better. Imagine that! I do feel that everything happens for a reason, and that people are brought into our lives at the right time and it is up to us to see the gift and accept it. I am grateful that I had the best friend imagineable for the first 30 years of my life. I am humbled that God has directed me to people who I pray will be able to see me through the remainder.
After all this time, I am happy to say that I DO need friends and that I am happy happy happy for the few old ones who've weathered the storm and for the beautiful new ones who've etched their place in my heart forever.