Whenever I start writing one of these posts I always feel compelled to briefly Revisit the past. The feeling comes from anxiety that you, the reader, won’t have any context of what I’m talking about. Also, i have a desire to revisit the past to share my story in its entirety, so I’ll revisit the past, briefly.

I started to blog back in 2009ish, about a year or so into my marriage with my Wife. I had just come out of the closet and I was a very optimistic unrealistic bisexual man who had no idea what was in store for him. I wrote about men, about discovering my inner queer, getting attention from guys and the growing horror of my situation. I fell into a deep depression when my relationship with my wife suffered. I fought to open my relationship to no avail and became more depressed and bitter. I wrote about it all.

Gradually my life got a little better, the depression got easier to manage and I stopped expressing my need for interaction with men. I ballooned to 250lbs and despite feeling like there was a problem, I felt like this was going to be my life. Then in a mixed blessing, I was diagnosed with a tumor found in my head. After the discovery i gave my wife an ultimatum: love me or leave me I’m going to start dating men. I started treatment and life got better. I’ve lost weight, have more testosterone and a new found appreciation for living your truth.

That is my past.

I’ve since found me a boyfriend, a wonderful man in his 40’s who lives in England. We share time with each other via messaging. We flirt, trade sexy photos of each other, we sext. My wife and him have even become online friends, somewhat. The ability to express myself in this manner was not only fantastic but long over due.

I’ve also started myself a dating profile on OkCupid. I’m looking for a local boyfriend who I can interact with in person. Someone I can actually get physical with versus someone who I can just get emotionally close to in the case of my online boyfriend.

I’ve been on two meet ups with two different men. I met a very sweet but very young 19 year old college student that I met on an lgbt social app. The other guy I met was close to my age at 31, unfortunately we didn’t vibe at all.

So the search continues to find a boyfriend/boy toy. The best part of all of this is that my wife has supported me and has even helped me make decisions. I no longer have to have anxiety about my behavior, have to hide things or do things in a sneaky manner. My wife and I will talk about everything in the hopes that it will make our relationship stronger and help the both of us avoid strife. It’ll only be a matter of time before I have my first sexual interaction with another man and knowing this has helped me feel more at ease.

I’m free of the guilt of existing, free of the dread of living another day not living my truth. I love my life and I’m proud to be here today.

And this is where I am today.