My insides are screaming. My heart is pounding a higher rate then normal, but with each beat a dull pain ripples through me. It's times like this I truly and deeply understand why some cease to live. I can't fathom how I Love others and they don't love me. I try to blame it on looks, where I live, and my education. But the reasons I get from the few I have loved is shocking.

With Kristen it was something to do with me. I was amazing to her and yet she wondered if she could do better.
With Alyse it was wanting to say she liked me but wanted to flirt with other guys.
Now with Nicki it's me again. She likes me, but she is only going to date people she may marry.

I don't follow the normal code of dating. In which I really don't do it. When I find someone that is dazzling and seems to awe me in every way I take notice. Of course once this happens I look to see if we could be compatible. Most of the time this doesn't work. But the rare occasions it does and above are those rare girls. Mind you each one lasting less and less. With Kristen it was almost a year. Alyse it was half a month. Nicki a whole month. I guess it also does not help that each is younger than me. Kristen by a year, Alyse and Nicki by four years.

With the current interest I can't understand. I do understand the past women in my life. The reasons why it didn't work. But Nicki was different. She was 10 times better than these others. I guess the thing that hurts is that even though I can respect and honor her not wanting to be in a relationship for 2 years or that she wants to date the people that she could marry. Why wasn't I even in the running or even considered? It has to be me. Being ahead of the curve sucks. I can see things others can't, love a person when everyone else hates. I guess if I had to find fault with me it would be how to deep I was. How that in the age difference I knew things the other girls didn't. This is the reason people go gay in my opinion. It is so easy to love your friend of the same sex then the opposite.

My inside is in a constant flux of pain.

To kill off ones feelings is a dark, and delicate thing. It leaves it own scars with the benefit of cutting clean the pain, the person, and the love you had.

So many girls in my past just wanted to use me. Have there cake and eat it too. Be with me for moral, emotional and physical support. Then put me away for something else.

All I do is ask God why? Why has my life been this way? Why have I been in constant darkness? This week alone is riddle with pain. From money going missing to random bills popping up to now this with a beautiful girl that I love.
This isn't some new thing that just happened now. It happens all the FUCKING TIME! WHY???

I hate it when you stare into the eyes of the one you love, they stare back with love in their eyes only to then leave you.

I don't hate her, I want too but I can't. I want to be mad, but I can't. I really do love her. The things we are going through are stupid. And to be honest we aren't even together. But something is wrong. When she likes me and cares for me and I do too that we are just going to be friends. I can't bottle up my feelings, or forget holding her face, kissing her brow, holding her in my arms to just be friends.

I love how the women I love always set me up too. Nicki said don't wait for me. I'm afraid of hurting you. I'm a grown man. I would rather love and suffer then not at all. Love hurts and like the incubus song says sometimes it's a good hurt.

Fuck it all!

I plan on remaining friends but I'm spending tonight and this weekend (Valentines WTF huh!) slowly killing all the thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories and love I have for her. I guess if I treat women like shit I could finally end up with one huh. Cause doing the right things just isn't working.

I'm alone in the mountains, in my cellar, there is nothing but my thoughts. No escape. No distractions. No happiness. The world is functioning all around but I'm not home. I'm walking. I'm sleeping. I'm eating. But I'm not there.