I am a sucker for Hallmark Movies. Who can argue with unrequited love, romance, and happily ever after? - well anyone who is willing to suspend reality. But, for now, we can all enjoy a nice glass of wine and enjoy a sickeningly sweet story, fair to middling acting, and a predicable plot.
After several years of watching these melodramas, I think I have come upon the (not so) secret formula.
The main characters usually involve one of the following
- a young lady in a predictably doomed relationship
- a widowed or divorced parent
- a Prince (or princess)
- sports figure
There is usually:
- a fall festival
- winter carnival
- hometown production
- flower show
- pie bake off
- deadline for some up and coming writer
- ball (or gala)
Venues include:
- a ski resort
- small town
- book store
- restaurant
- (previously unknown) kingdom
- farm (or dude ranch)
- vineyard
There is always at least one or more of the following:
- a parent concerned about their child's happiness
- the best friend trying to show the main character the obvious
- a significant other in the background who
- is clueless about the status of the relationship
- has strayed from the relationship
- is an ass
- has some financial interest in the protagonist
- emotional confusion
- a royal prince or princess from a small unknown European principality trying to hide their real identity
- a monarch trying to steer their child in the right direction to save the kingdom
- a royal female (princess, duchess, lady) who is supposedly destined to marry the prince in an arranged affair (usually to save the kingdom)
- a well known celebrity - writer, actor, sports hero, artist
What you will find is:
- abstainess, less a beer or 2 shared by the guys, the occasional glass wine or champagne
- innocent kisses
- that look between the 2 that lingers
- each character exchanging looks back as they part
- a lot of hand holding
What you will not find:
- a reference to sex, nudity, drugs or violence
- excessive PDA
The end will offer
- a common female protagonist who appears at the ball in a couture gown
- winning the pie, pumpkin, cookie bake off
- saving the ranch, the restaurant, the small business
But to get to that end, there is a formula
- there will be a "significant other" in the picture (albeit usually just alluded to, glimpsed in the early minutes of the movie, heard in phone conversations, etc.)
- some effort (planning the festival or gala, saving the business, facing fears)
- 20 before the end there will be an interrupted kiss
- affirmation of an attraction between the 2 main characters
- reemergence of the significant other (usually at the worst time possible)
- 15 Minutes Prior to the end there will be a misunderstanding
- an over heard phone conversation
- a proposal witnessed from the shadows
- this will result in the spurned lover exiting stage left (no need to stay around)
- 10 minutes prior to the end the protagonist will search for their loved one, only to find they have left, totally dejected
- very close to the end, a friend, parent, innocent bystander, queen, or king will reveal the truth of the situation and the spurned loved one will reappear,
- the festival will be a hit, the business, farm, vineyard will be saved, etc
- love conquers all, the final kiss
And, if its a Christmas movie, then everything is escalated
- chances are there will be a snow ball fight, a sleigh ride, hot chocolate, carolers (or any combination of these)
- venues that include a small town, a ski resort, or a major city
- selecting the perfect Christmas tree
- a good chance Christmas decorations will be involved
I'm not an expert, a writer for Hallmark, whatever. But having seen way too many of these films, I think I know a bit.
