I knew. I knew early on. But I ignored it. Sitting in the sun, day after day in my quaint suburban home. Writing all my thoughts down (edited of course). This is what I wanted.

The American Dream.

Why then, the soul searching?

Years passed. What was missing? I analyzed. Over and over gain. Poured over the past. Over the present. Over the future. Why was none of this in my dreams?

I found other ways to focus that energy. Decorating. Sex. Decorating. Trying to make my surroundings fit me. And when I finished, I began looking for Nikki again. Where was she? My new tidy little life, after running from the old, became my shelter. My prison. My torture.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was done ignoring it.

It's My Life.

The song played in the car on my way home from shopping. The September sun was glaringly bright. This time I listened to the song and this time my heart responded.

It's My Life.

I was going back to school.

It's My Life.

Time to take control.

I knew. Right then. This was the beginning of the end.

I enrolled the next week.

School Sucked. I hated it. I still hate it. My kids hated it. My husband hated it - because he knew - this was the beginning of the end. But I kept going - breaks here and there for mild life crises. This was my path, albeit an unknown road, but I was certain it led elsewhere.

At some point I came to a stop. This was taking too long. It was time to move forward. I don't think it was a conscious thought, but I let it happen. Time for me to go back to work.
"I know how this works," S said to me.
"And how's that?" I asked.
"Oh, you know... You go to school, get a job, meet someone new, and our marriage is over."
"That's not going to happen!" I reassured him. But inside, I wasn't so sure of myself.

I wasn't that serious about finding a job, was I?