Dating is a necessary evil that hopefully leads to a long standing relationship… While dating there are inevitably hurtles; some I clear, some I knock right over and either stumble or my date opts out of continuing the race. Hurtles are both little things and big ones, that cover every genre known to man – personal habits, religion, family, etc. The one that always causes a knot in my stomach is sex.
Mostly due to my past, I really hesitate rushing into a sexual relationship with someone; not for a lack of Desire, or even religious belief, but with a history that includes molestation and rape, as well as a cheating former spouse, sex is something I strongly protect. It is the most intimate part of myself, not to mention a risky activity if I don’t know someone well and have an emotional bond with them. When dating intimacy almost always becomes a subject. Sometimes it’s brought on due to physical contact, but most of the time its a conversation that I choose to have before a circumstance may arise. While it may not be typical dating conversation early on, for me it is and so far that’s worked for me. Bringing up sex isn’t hard for me, even discussing my feelings on the subject and listening to their responses… what’s hard is their reaction, or my anticipation of it I guess.
Far too often I’m met with silence, shock, or disgust. What brings on this reaction? Not my desire to take a little bit of time… well usually not my desire for waiting a bit; what ruffles some’s feathers is my want for my future partner (when and only when I get to an emotional point where sex is probable) to have a full STD screening, to include herpes and HIV. I don’t ask to accompany them, though I have been asked to. I do though ask to know the results, especially if they come back with something.
I have been dating for a while since my last relationship and had this conversation a few times. In the last six months two of the three men that I’ve gone on dates with have been offended, disgusted, or just plain turned off by the idea of getting tested. I of course never saw them again. Sometimes I have been asked to ”just let it go… [they] obviously don’t have anything…” Obviously my foot! Depending on the STD, up to 90% of carriers are asymptomatic! (meaning that they show NO SYMPTOMS) There is no way, no matter how attracted I am, I will risk my health, my life, my family for sex! A man hesitating at the thought of STD testing is an automatic deal breaker for me.
Even though most of the time the results have been negative for the men that have honored my request, it hasn’t always come back that way. Two men that thought they were clean found that they had chlamydia/herpes/gonorrhea. These men are attractive, adult, business men. They were surprised and devastated by their results; they showed NO symptoms and wouldn’t have know they were carriers if they hadn’t gotten tested.
For the last six years, I have had a standing annual appointment with my GP. In a relationship or not, I have a full STD/HIV screening. I have never dealt with a positive result. (Thankfully) The man that I’m currently seeing took the news wonderfully. So far he’s a keeper, not just because of the sex topic, due to so many things… I’m looking forward to seeing if this turns into a relationship! :)
