I remember few real details about when my ex left the house, other than his statement, "In three months you will be over this and fine." Maybe that was true, maybe it wasn't, but regardless, it stung. It implied that just because he Viewed me as a Strong person, I didn't have feelings at that moment.
Over the years, since my divorce, I have been told by many friends that they view me as one of the strongest people they know. Part of me prides myself on being viewed this way. But, part of me knows that the main reason I am viewed as having strength is because I have Learned how to bury emotions and feelings when times are tough. Many years ago, I would get so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed for long stretches of time. I felt very hopeless. Everyone around me knew if I was upset because there was no way I could hide it. Over the years, though, and partly because of my kids, I have developed coping strategies. When you are a single parent, there is no room in your life for a breakdown or to fall apart. It can be for no other reason than you have to get out of bed every day and do what needs to be done to take care of your kids. I think I learned how to block out that type of incapacitating sadness so I could function and be a mom. But in doing so, many walls were built. I learned how to be so independent that letting people get too close, where they could break through and make me feel again or depend upon them, became terrifying because it opened me up to potential hurt and disappointment.
Even with all the coping mechanisms, though, even the "strong" need other people in their lives. I know it is extremely hard for me to ask anyone for help and it isn't because I don't need it, but because I don't want to burden someone else. There is also the fear of someone saying "no" which can make me feel even more alone. So, I tend to keep everything inside and face everything on my own. That can be hard. And when someone doesn't ask for help or say, "hey, I am going through a tough time, would you mind listening," they often don't get it. People naturally tend to focus on those who appear most in need and assume everyone else is doing okay. But sometimes those that appear to be doing okay are just waiting for someone to show they care and ask the question, "how are you?" and genuinely mean it.
Life can be very scary for those of us who feel there is no individual we can rely on, who will be willing and available to help us when we have a bad day or the car breaks down. So we convince ourselves we don't need anyone and, hence, no one else views us as needing anyone either. But sometimes that gets lonely. Sometimes we get sad and just try to hide it from the outside world or bury it as deep as we can. I am trying to do a better job, myself, of checking in on my friends. It can still be hard to let others in when they try to check in on me. Still, I have some friends I admire for their strength, but I know it was built on a lot of pain and heartache in their lives and they need me as much as I need them, in order to face whatever days lie ahead. So, please, don't forget about the "strong."
