The other day, I made the mistake of comparing my own achievements, or lack thereof, with those of someone else, who appears to be just your everyday "Joe" but has conquered some pretty amazing obstacles.   Why I even felt the need to compare, I don't know; that is always a bad idea and what the "experts" advise you against doing.  I guess it was natural for me to rank myself, though, because I keep aiming to better myself, and often doubt if these little things I am doing are too small and insignificant to matter.  Possibly I'm feeling a lack of purpose in my life.  Or, maybe it's because I view myself as a bit ridiculous for posting about my life since, in the grand scheme of things, I am not doing anything that important.  I am not saving an endangered species, or working to change government policies, or helping those who are disadvantaged.  And, I haven't accomplished any major, personal goal worth speaking about.  So many people do much grander things than me.  I hike a few miles here and there and feel a little better about myself because it's something I wasn't doing before, but it isn't like I have climbed Mt. Everest. There are times I have been so inspired by really important things that other people do, I feel like I want to chase after something I am passionate about that will make a meaningful difference in the world. 

A Couple Months ago, I attended a National Geographic Explorer talk.  The speaker was a young woman in her 30s, who went through a period of self discovery after deciding that working in a pharmaceutical laboratory was not her dream.  Ultimately, after a series of different volunteer efforts around the world, she found her calling.  A single website she came across and response to an email she sent resulted in her moving to the Cook Islands.  Once there, things didn't go quite as she anticipated, but it led her down a path of deciding that her true purpose for being halfway around the world was to establish a shark sanctuary to stop the commercial fishing of these animals.  I have greatly simplified her story, but her accomplishments are not only impressive, but important.  As I listened to her speak, I was so inspired that I wished I could have volunteered to move to the Cook Islands and helped with this effort.  But, it isn't like I can simply change my entire life or career path.  And, though I know that is an extreme example and I am aware there are other things closer to home that are just as important and need volunteers, I have other responsibilities, the main one being to my kids.  I'm a single mom and constantly trying to be the one person my kids can count on for stability when everything else changes around them.  And, because of that I get burnt out.  Literally, tired.  I go to work, take care of my kids, take care of the pets, take care of the house, hopefully take care of me, and by 9:00 or 9:30 p.m., I am often exhausted and gearing up to start another day of the same.  Am I just lazy?  How do these other people, who truly deserve the accolades for what they do to contribute to the betterment of the planet, do it?  I'm just trying to make it home early enough to get my kids fed and to soccer practice on time and that often feels like a major accomplishment in any given day.  I don't want to make excuses, which I admit is exactly what I am doing.  I hate excuses.  If something is enough of a priority, people always say you make time for it, right?  So, I guess right now being that good a person and doing something that I believe really matters isn't enough of a priority for me.  I'm glad all those individuals exist, who I admire so much for how important they truly are to making a difference.  I often wished I had the energy or the drive to be one of them, and I feel guilty that I don't.

Right now, though, I want someone to tell me it's okay that I'm not saving the world...to reassure me that I am doing plenty to be a good person by just trying to be a good mom and showing kindness to other people.   I've gone back to the basics, the KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid) principle, as in many ways I am just trying to rebuild myself and understand me, after significant life changes.  Again, the "experts" say you shouldn't need external validation to feel good about yourself, but let's be real, sometimes it's nice to get a pat on the back from someone else.  As much as I want to be able to look in the mirror every day and just know that I like myself and am not inferior to all these people around me, I don't always feel that way.  I don't know if I will do anything extremely noteworthy in my life.  I'm hoping that my kids will grow up to be pretty great people and that is certainly noteworthy to me.  However, I still would like to have some personal accomplishment that I feel makes a real difference.  I think about this a lot.  Over the next couple months, I will be attending six more talks at various museums that focus on research, conservation, and societal issues.  These areas interest me and I am hoping that if I keep expanding my knowledge of what people, who are making a difference, are doing in the world, maybe something will really click for me.  I am still searching to figure out my "reason for being" and I haven't come across an answer that satisfies me yet.