I had an interesting conversation the other evening.  I was asked what I was looking for in someone else, if I had to define what mattered to me most.  My initial response was someone who has depth, inspires me, and whom I find interesting because I want to connect with that person on a complex level.  Unfortunately, it's hard to explain because it's not all that stuff that looks good on paper, even though I realize I need that, too.  I lead my life a certain way and when I have discounted those "good on paper" qualities, it only causes me more grief.  So, not only do I feel I need someone who I am attracted to, with common interests, intelligence, and fiscal responsibility, but to add to that giant order, I need depth...I need LAYERS!  Yep, start peeling back the onion.  If you tell me you are an avid sports fan and have to go to every game of a particular team, I am already shutting down.  I have fun going to a game here and there for most sports, but I lived with a sports junkie for years.  Weekends and evenings were dictated by every football and basketball game, and I hated it.  We led two separate lives in the same house and basically were roommates.  But, if you tell me you love classical music and are drawn to certain composers for specific reasons, or have a desire to learn about space exploration and listen to scientists like Neil deGrasse Tyson speak, or have a dream of going on safari to take photographs, now I am intrigued.  And, after listening to me rattle off my wish list, if I were to want to date someone again, my friend's immediate response was, "You want a Soul mate."  Well, shit, yeah I guess that is what I want, if you want to sum it up in five words.

I've never really bought into the concept of a "soul mate".  It always sounded like fluff to me because people would often talk of finding a Soul Mate like it was predestined.  Personally, I have never believed much in destiny, either.  I find greater hope in feeling like anything is possible because there are so many moments in a given day.  Putting faith in something else, unseen, that has control over my life's course has just never been my thing.  And, when people talk about a soul mate, they often tie it to feelings of uncontrollable love, pulling them towards another individual.  I've never thought that just because you love someone, and even love them intensely, means they are your soul mate.   But, as I am getting older, I believe more in the concept of a soul mate, just defined differently than during my college years.  It's based a lot less on love and more on a deep understanding of each other's thoughts, feelings, motivations, and aspirations, and naturally aligning in many of those areas, but not all of them.  I view a soul mate as being someone who helps you grow because they continue to challenge you and open you up to new ideas and experiences, as well, and who, because of that, causes you to feel a deep connection with them as the two of you seek the same big picture goals.  And, maybe, with any luck, if there is an attraction or one that evolves over time, then an extremely deep love can also develop.  In my eyes, that is something truly special and rare and, at this stage, probably the only type of relationship I would want to commit to, long-term. 

What my most recent breakup told me, especially when my daughter asked me, "It's only been a few months, why aren't you more upset?" is that I didn't lose my soul mate.  As time went on, I knew I wasn't in a relationship with the love of my life or someone that I have connected with nearly as well as some past boyfriends.  It was hard to admit, for a while, that I was going to get married for a second time to another individual who wasn't exactly perfect for me.  It makes you question your own judgment and if you are stupid enough to make the same mistake twice.  But, in looking back and trying to understand why I made the decisions I have, I did feel I could be content over the long haul because at different stages in our lives, we seek different things in a partner, based on our priorities at each stage.  With my first marriage, I sought stability and I wanted a family.  I knew exactly what to expect from the person I married, and I knew he would be very loyal.  What I sacrificed was the attraction and common interests and, ultimately, it drove us farther and farther apart.  With my recent engagement, I sought attraction, common interests, and a father figure for my kids.  What I sacrificed were common goals and values and that ultimately caused a lack of connection and commitment.  Though things should have ended differently, I have to admit I am not devastated that they ended.  For my kids' sake, I sometimes feel a sadness, but for me, there is certainly more opportunity now to meet a true partner that adds to my life.  If I am ever in a serious relationship again, I believe I would have to be with a soul mate in order to be happier with someone than alone. 

I don't fool myself into thinking that I can only find a connection with someone who is perfect and checks certain boxes.  I am far from perfection myself and probably drive a lot of people nuts by certain characteristics that just make me who I am.  But, I am a driven person and gaining a pretty good understanding of my interests and goals, so I would want someone who is self aware and motivated.  Why wouldn't I only consider being committed to someone I feel a deep connection with?  I have been with people who try to mold their interests to mine and then when they move onto the next person, their interests again mold to that new person.  I have found that, while it is nice initially to have a willing participant in everything I want to do, having someone only follow my lead doesn't work for me.  Someone with their own interests and goals and the motivation to pursue them is quite attractive. 

Evenings out with my close friends continually remind me that a relationship isn't worth it to me, unless it adds to what I already have in my life.  I no longer desire a father figure for my kids and that actually opens up a lot of opportunities.  It's okay if I don't ever meet someone who would qualify as my soul mate.  That's why I am exploring options for my future and am working to continually enjoy the journey because I am perfectly fine on my own.  Even cooking a real dinner for my kids each night, which is such a small thing, has brought me a lot of joy and gratification.  Do people make relationships work, even when they aren't with their soul mate?  Of course they do...but that's not me, and these days I really want the layers.