My friends are the most important people in the world to me.  I am only child, so they are the closest things to siblings that I will ever have.  I am a pretty ride or die kind of person and I am proud of that. This picture above was taken recently in Santa Cruz and I adore those people endlessly.  I try really hard to be a good friend.  Does that mean i've never done something shitty? Of course not.  But it was never on purpose.  I used to expect the same from my friends.

I recently had a pretty big falling out with a friend.  We didn't fight or anything, but it was dramatic how we went from best friends to not even looking at each other.  We met Freshman year; she was my roommate.  We are both from the Bay Area and both loved the tv show Psych, so we bonded pretty quickly.  She was my first friend in college and we became inseparable. However, because I had severe social anxiety and desperately wanted friends, I let a lot of things go that bothered me, and missed a lot of red flags in the process.

*Before I really get into this, I want to make a disclaimer.  Just because this person was a bad friend to me, doesn't mean that she is a bad friend to everyone.  I don't want to villainize her when I played a part in the relationship as well.  There were many chances where I could have said something to her, and didn't. Doesn't mean her actions were justified, just means that I could have stopped them.*

I remember very clearly sitting at my desk freshman year and Talking to her about something I was anxious about.  It was either making phone calls or going out to eat alone. Both of those used to be huge problems for me.  I am not very good at opening up to other people, but I told her about that anxiety.  She laughed at me and told me that was stupid thing to be anxious about.  It hurt.  But I was so young and really didn't know what to do so I did nothing.

Even though the friendship ended months ago, it is still so fresh in my head.  She is the reason I feel like I can't open up to anyone anymore.  I was talking about it with my mom the other day, and she described it as an emotionally abusive friendship, and I can't tell you how good it felt to put a label on it.  I always knew that she was more that just a bad friend.  Before I knew what hit me, she was belittling me, getting upset when I hung out with other people, ghosting me, accusing me of being "too sensitive", wasn't showing me any sympathy for my issues, playing the victim, couldn't apologize, and the list goes on an on.

Looking back now, I'm upset with myself for allowing myself to be treated like that but in all honesty, I am a much stronger person because of it.  Unfortunately, there is nothing I can really do about this situation now, since we are no longer speaking, but I am working on getting through it myself, and figuring out how to not let anyone treat me like that again.  I am now surrounded by people who love me, and give me the attention and patience I deserve.  Good friends are out there and they are life saving.