Hi guys,

So today I want to address the taboo subject of Depression, this may take more than 1 blog to talk about this, but I hope that it helps at least 1 person.

I think that I started to Suffer from depression after the birth of my 1st child almost 30 Years Ago, but then all the doctors would say is that it was the baby blues, and to get on with it! they didn’t like to hand out anti-depressants like they do today.

How do you describe to someone how you feel when you have depression?? Well, that’s a hard one, you could have a room full of people around you, a family that stands by everything you do and is always there for you, have the most loving husband/wife in the world, but still feel SO ALONE!!

Some people don’t quite understand the word “Depression”, I think that the perception is that the person who is suffering should be in a low mood all the time, it should show on their face that they are suffering, but it doesn’t, it goes a lot deeper than that.

How my depression affects me, is, I know when it is “getting a grip” of me, I feel like a black cloud is descending on me.  I can actually remember one day, many years ago when I used to work for a taxi company, and I had had a great day at work, full of laughs with the drivers and the customers. I left work and on my way home, I felt like something was hovering above me, I felt like the biggest black cloud in the world was above my head, and it was starting to consume me, by the time that I got home which was only a 5 min walk from work, I was in the foulest mood ever. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I didn’t want to see anyone, I just took myself off to my room and stayed there for the rest of the night.

But, when the people who you love and live with don’t understand how depression affects you it can start to cause problems within your relationship, and sometimes it did.

My way of dealing with my depression is that I close myself off from the world.  I REFUSE to open my curtains, my husband will get up in the morning and open them, but then as soon as he leaves for work, I will close them.  I don’t want to answer my phone, I don’t want to leave my bedroom.

What makes my depression worse is when, what I call my “Demons” start to rear their ugly head, and put thoughts into my head. I’m not saying that I hear voices or anything, it is just my way of trying to explain how I get these thoughts, which I will talk about on another blog.

Then you get the usual statements, ” What have you got to be depressed about?”, “pull yourself together”, “find something to occupy your mind”….I know that when people say these things they thing that they are helping, but, in actual fact they are not!!! What you really want to hear is “how can I help you?”, “if you need to talk I’m here for you” (AND MEAN IT!!), …..but I think once you start to talk to someone and try to explain just how your feeling, you also feel like you are bringing that person down too….so you are in a catch 22 situation, do you keep it to yourself and suffer in silence, or do you really open up??

It’s hard to admit that you suffer from depression, but even harder to ask for help….it took me many years to ask for help because I thought I could deal with it myself. Oh how wrong I was…..

There are people out there that can help, and I would advise anyone to try to seek help if they can. I’m going to sign off on this part of my blog, and carry on with other aspects of depression in another blog later.

For now, I hope that some people can relate to just the few points that I have made, and realise that you are not alone, and I don’t mean that in any kind of patronising way, but your not. If I can help at least one person then I will….and when I say I am there for you to talk to I MEAN IT!!!!!

Much Love people…

Jackie xx