So when you have someone in your Family that suffers from depression, I don’t think your immediate family, children, parents, brothers, sisters know just how to deal with it.

I’ve always been the “nutty” one, always with a smile on my face, always have a laugh and a joke, but when I was having a bad day, and after the depression got its ugly claws into me, they didn’t know what or how to deal with it.

My mum, has always said that I can talk to her, as both my girls have too, but how to do approach someone and say “I really feel down today and I want to talk to you about it?” because if you can’t explain it to yourself then how the hell do you explain it to a loved one.

When I took my overdose, it wasn’t talked about, especially my brother, it took months & months before we could talk about it. I remember it like it was yesterday, we had gone to visit my dad’s grave and as we sat in the sun I asked him if we could talk about what happened.

He agreed and said that it was an awful thing for him to go through, he said that because he had taken me to hospital a few weeks previous and I had put him as my next of kin, my mum and phoned him up and said that she had spoken to a nurse when I was in hospital and expressed that I was not to be sectioned, to which they said that if they found that I was not able to make decisions for myself, then it would be down to my next of kin, so she phoned my brother and told him he must never agree to me being sectioned. On a lighter note, my brother started to laugh and said “that seemed like a good thing to do and I really had to hold back not to put you in the nuthouse!!” I was glad that he was so honest and open with me and could make me laugh about what was such a horrible and painful time.

My children and I don’t really talk about, they don’t feel comfortable telling me how I made them feel but I could take a calculated guess as to what that was.

I have asked both my daughters to write what and how they felt at that time, Stacey has agreed to do this and I will post her email in my next blog, but Louise doesn’t want to, she said that it’s too personal for her, and I respect her honesty and decision about this.

I also remember that my Uncle came to see me when I came out of hospital, because while I was in there my brother asked if I wanted my Uncle to know about it, I said that it was ok for him to ring him, but I didn’t want my Uncle to see me like that.  When he came to see me, I met him outside my house, and he just grabbed me and gave me the biggest hug ever, that was just 1 of the things that I really needed…someone to hug me, someone to tell me that everything was going to be ok, someone to tell me that I was loved for who I am, and not hated for what I did, and my Uncle was the only one to do that!!

That is in no way a pop at the rest of my family, but he was the one that kind of took all the shame, the pain, the frustration away…..he had in effect, (in my eyes), taken over as the father figure in my life after my dad had passed away. He was the nearest thing to my dad that I could hang onto.

My family don’t know everything that goes on in my head, god, it would blow their minds…..to try to put it into words, 1 tiny thought, or something could come on the TV or you hear something on the news, and within the seconds the “Demons” think …..”hang on she’s showing weakness here, we can work with this, we can put things into her head”….yea that sounds really deep, but its the only way I can explain it….and once those things are out into your head they snowball with such speed that you have no control of them, and you can’t get them out of you head….I will try and touch on this at a later date to try and explain what I mean.

I have a very close-knit family,  a bit too close sometimes, (when I was at rock bottom) I didn’t want phone calls all the time, I didn’t want the question “how you feeling today”, I didn’t want visits, I just wanted to be left alone to deal with what I had done, and come to terms with what I had put them all through, but how do you tell the people who you love and they love you…..”just leave me the fuck alone!!”, you can’t without hurting their feelings yet again, and looking like you are ungrateful for their concern.  You’re not ungrateful, you need time to adjust to what you have actually done and what all the ramifications of you acts could have been.

I’m truly blessed that I got another shot at life, although I did think at the time, there’s no chance that I will ever be able to feel “right” again, whatever right is,……but again, once I thought that, the snowball started again, “what if I meet someone, how do I tell them what I did, what I suffer from, DO I tell them?”, luckily for me I met the most wonderful man in the world, who sat and listened, holding my hand, whilst I broke down and explained what I had been through, and you know what?….he didn’t JUDGE me, he just looked me in the eyes, and said “I love YOU, I’m not bothered what you have done, I will always be here for you and I will do anything I can to make your life better again”

As someone who lives with depression day after day, and the days turn into months, the months turn into years, and ultimately the years turn into decades, that made me feel wanted!!! That 1 statement made me feel like the only way for me now was up!!!! I knew it was going to be a hard long slog, and believe me it was, and still is!! But I try everyday, I’ve now got the point in my life where I MAKE myself get out of bed, (well sometimes), I may not get dressed everyday, I may not open the curtains everyday, I may not speak to 1 human person until my husband comes home, but I am trying a little each day to make an effort.

Thats’ it for now, my next blog I am going to post the email that Stacey sent me and how that day in 2012 made her feel.

Much love people.

Jackie xxx