Next thing my nan phoned me I don’t recall the time but she said ‘Stacey can you come over to your mums something isn’t right’ I said ‘oh for god sake nan why what’s up has she been drinking again?’ Me thinking that mum had been drinking all day & got herself into a state. My nan said ‘I don’t know just come over NOW’ it wasn’t like my nan to shout at me so I said right I’ll come over. I had my pjs on so I just put my slippers on, told neil I had to nip to mums as my nan was worried & I’d be back soon. I toddled off over to mums house I walked in, first I went into the living room where I saw the oasis mum had with ste’s name in artificial flowers that I had made for her when Ste passed away demolished over the living room floor, I thought nothing of it & maybe the dog had done it, I heard nan upstairs just shouting ‘Jackie c’mon love’ so I went upstairs shouting ‘what’s up then?’ As I got to mums bedroom (shit I feel sick writing this) I saw mum lay on her side, blue!

All around her was suicide letters, ste’s picture at the side of her along with his & my grandads ashes.

I never dreamed in my life that I’d go through this, I still see images of how mum was on her bed & it’s frightening, no child should have to see their parent in that state to where they think that life is over. You’ll probably get upset reading this mum as we have never really spoke about it, it’s killed me writing this but you asked me to do it.

We’ve never had a proper mother daughter bond but at the end of the day your still my mum & I have to love you & that day I thought that was it. I was going to be burying my mum at the age of 24.

I don’t know how to end this but I think that if this blog you are doing helps just one person, just for them to speak out to someone then you’re doing something right (for once) but it’s good to get out what & how your feeling instead of bottling it up & getting into a state.

I’m proud of you for speaking about it!

I kinda love you

Your favourite daughter

Stacey

Xx