Dear Kaylee,

Last week my sis asked me to send her a few of my favorite pictures of you. I’m sure you can guess what happened next: I spent all night on Flickr, perusing and reminiscing, and was only able to whittle it down to twenty-six pictures or so. I don’t care what she says, you were by far the loveliest and most photogenic all of my doggos. I mean, that butt alone!

I also don’t care what you might say, you and Mags didn’t coexist nearly long enough. Among my absolute favorites are the photos of you two together: Mags trying her best to cozy up; you, snubbing her with all your might. I wish you two could have been friends, but I understand your position. You didn’t want to share me. I get it! I didn’t want to share you either. At least not with any other hoomans.

Even at eight, Mags looked so impossibly young in those pictures! Now she’s older than you were when you passed, and I find myself having to confront her mortality too. She was diagnosed with dementia in July, and things have escalated pretty quickly in the weeks and months since. We’re planning a move to New York in November; on her worst days, I fear that Mags won’t be there to see it. As difficult as this all has been, it’s that thought that hammers my heart the hardest.

I find myself measuring and marking time by you guys: Shane and I got married the summer before we found you, so it was June of 2016; or, we started house shopping the spring after you joined our household, so it was in 2017. We put that new walkway in the winter before Ralphie died – just in time for his stubby little legs to enjoy the new short steps – so it all went down in the last months of 2012. And so on and so forth. You get the idea.

You guys are the single most important thing to me, so much so that you are the things around which all else revolves. I don’t know who I am without you. I don’t want to find out, but it’s inevitable, I think.

Anyway, these are the thoughts rattling around in my head on your birthday/gotcha day. It’s a melancholy one, but then so are most anniversaries nowadays. Things have changed so much for me in the last few years, and I’m not even halfway out the other side yet.

One thing that will never change is how much I love you. I wish you were here for real to see me through it, and not just haunting my heart.

I love you so much, baby girl.

– Mom

Dear Jayne,

Thinking of you still hurts my heart. I wish we could have done more for you…or less, as it were.

Though your final few months were mostly filled with pain and sorrow, there were good things too: You opening yourself up to us, if even just a tiny bit more. The spring sun on your face, and leisurely strolls at Smithville Lake. Trips to the drive-in with your sisters. Snuggles and naps and new experiences.

It’s not fair. Eleven was far too young. You should still be alive. Your Eeyore face would fit right in around here.

I miss you too, sweet girl. Even though you were more cat than dog, I never regret a bit of it. I’d adopt you again fifteen times over.

I hope your atoms are happy, wherever and whatever they are now. You deserve an eternity of sunshine after all you’ve been through.

xoxo,

– Mom

PS – One thing I’ll definitely find a place for in my new home are your funny little Funko peoples. That way I’ll be sure to think of you a dozen and one times a day.

Twenty Little Kaylee Things

Fourteen Little Jayne Things

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