I am a Horrible person. I think I haven't stressed that enough. And it is even more devastating that these horrendous acts I speak of, I inflict upon myself. I think my brain is wired differently that everything normal is more intense when experienced on my end. A touch feels like a shove, a breeze feels like a gust of wind, a cut feels like a surgical incision, a casual glance feels like a full-blown stare-down.

And most parts of my life were spent in minimizing myself just so I don't react in ways that are inappropriate and catch people's attention. And when I do, I beat myself up. Pretty hard, really.

I AM HORRIBLE. ESPECIALLY TO MYSELF? WHY AM I LIKE THIS? Why can't I just be normal???

I have been feeling upset and guilty over the weekend about something people can shrug off but I don't know, feelings come, stay and leave when they feel like it for me. I just have to prevent guilt from happening, sit with it when it's there and function normally when it eases out of my system.

The sitting with it, I would say is the hardest part. It is awful to just weep on queue when a piano rendition of Canon in D plays. It is embarrassing when you scream while remembering something horrible you've done 10 years ago and you're presently at an intense meeting with white haired dudes. It is getting exhausted in telling yourself to snap out of it because you literally-genuinely-whole heartedly CAN'T.

But of course there is a silver lining. This shall indeed pass as what has been proven time and again. But now that it hasn't, I should also remind myself of the  moments when I realize that if I'm just like everybody else, a falling leaf wouldn't feel like autumn, the lines on your face wouldn't tell stories, a  good cry wouldn't feel like rebirth, staring at people wouldn't feel like your looking at their souls.

This too shall pass.