I'm going to take this all the way back to the beginning, back to before I my current Boyfriend, the father of my son. Back to where most of my troubles began. We'll call him Sam. I met him at a party when I was 15 years old. He was 2 years older that me. I had already scoped him out when my friends and I arrived. Little did I know, he was eyeing me too. He asked me for my phone number, then about a half hour later asked me to be his girlfriend. Insanity, I know. It still blows my mind almost 5 years later that we had only known eachother literally an hour before we became official.
     Everyone who knew sam warned me to stay away because he was crazy. I took all their warnings with a grain of salt, he seemed sweet to me. I heard story after story of things he's done to harm the people around him and I ignored them all. No way they were telling the truth, they just didn't want to see me happy.
    The 3 year relationship Sam and I had was an emotional rollercoaster. There were some ups to what what we shared, but it was mostly down and turbulent. Sam was a selfish, abusive, liar. The first 8 months or so of our relationship was good, but things went down south after we broke up for a few months. I missed him and invited him over and we had sex. I told my friend about it the next day at school, and she broke the news that while we were broken up, he had gotten another girl from his high school pregnant. I was so hurt. He denied it at first, then told me he doubted the baby was his because the girl got around, so I took him back anyway.
     In the months leading up to the child's birth, he became cruel and cold towards me, but would always apologize and say that he was just afraid I was going to leave him. After the baby was born, he became violent. The first time he ever put his hands on me was because I did not feel like performing oral sex on him. He laughed and mimicked me when I cried about it, and then left me alone in his room. He came back a few minutes later and apologized and then he held me. I felt sick to my stomach, and didn't want him touching me, I just wanted to go home, I was scared. He had sex with me after that. I didn't want to, but from that day on there was really no such thing as no with him.
     I was always walking on egg shells with Sam, the littlest things would set him off. It was always my fault. He would always accuse me of cheating on him. It was so bad, I had to lie about hanging out with my friends because in his mind, there were always boys around. I had to ask his permission to go to the mall with my friend, and even after he said he didn't mind, he called my house over and over to yell at me and say that we were probably bringing boys with us. Sam would even harrass me at work, he called 72 times in one night. He even got into it with my manager because my manager stood up for me after hearing how he was speaking to me on the phone. It got to the point that I was no longer to answer the phone at work. One night, I wanted to go to applebee's with my coworkers for my birthday and he harrassed me to the point where I just said forget it. After that, I talked to my then work crush about it, and why I stayed with Sam. My crush kissed me and I ran away like a coward because I was afraid someone saw and would report back to Sam. I felt like he always had someone watching my every move, I was so paranoid. I just stopped going places unless it was with Sam.
    While Sam and I were still dating, I fell for Michael, the dish washer. Michael helped me get over Sam and the way he was treating me. I loved Michael with all my heart. Sometimes, I think I still do. He gave me the courage to leave Sam and I don't even think he knows it. Michael and I would ride around the county for hours in his pick up with no place to go. I would lay across the seat on his lap and we would talk and listen to music while he just drove. We talked about being together forever. If there is such thing as a soul mate, I still to this day believe he was mine.
    We were so different, Michael and I.  He was so grungy and I, on the other hand, was vain and lived for stores like Abercrombie and Hollister. People always stared at us when we went out, but I didn't care what he looked like or how he dressed, I was proud to hold his hand. Michael broke my heart though because his parents didn't want us dating. I hated them for a long time because I felt that they took him away from me. I've been torn between love and hate with himsince then. We talked and stayed friends up until after my son was born, but he won't even answer my texts now. I don't even know what I did wrong.
     After Sam and Michael, I hated guys. I used and discarded them before they could do it first. I became depressed and angry with what happened with them that I punished those who came along after them. I didn't want a boyfriend or cuddling, I was only about sex. Sex was how I kept the uppehand. It meant nothing. I likened sex with random boys to giving candy to a child to shut it up, and then I was done. I wanted no contact whatsoever with these guys. I know its sounds crazy, but I just didn't care. It didn't matter if they had girlfriends, it wasn't my problem. Some of these boys didn't even wear condoms and in retrospect, I don't think I ever tried to make them wear one. I had lost my mind. I am very blessed and I thank God that I never caught anything.
     I went through a lot of guys before I met my current boyfriend, none of them is really of any importance. It was all pretty much just sex. We met at my job one night. He told me my lip ring was cute. I wasn't attracted to him at all, but I did love the attention. Besides, I was already seeing someone at the time. It took him 3 times to come to my job before he made any sort of move, and it wasn't even to me. My best friend was the one who gave him my number because she wanted to get with his best friend. It's funny now, but I was pissed when  she told me.
     We talked on the phone once, and he asked me when we would hang out. I was hesitant but he wanted to take me somewhere nice and I had never been on a real date before. We went to the National Harbor. It was beautiful and romantic. I to this day replay our first date over in my head, its one of my best memories. My boyfriend use to take me out every weekend. He used to tell me he loved me all the time and how pretty I was. I was so happy, it was the first time someone made me forget about Michael.
     Fast forward 6 months into our relationship, May 12, the day I found out I was pregnant. He didn't want the baby and made sure I knew it. My pregnancy was the loneliest time of of my life. My boyfriend became cold and distant. I wouldn't even talk about the pregnancy in front of him. He said he would stay when I first told him, but he left me for the first time when I was about 4 months but it was only for a little while. When he came back things were good and  we were happy again. Things started going bad again  when I was 6 months and he left me again when I was 7 months pregnant. He told me he just wasn't into it anymore.
    We started talking again shortly before my baby shower, then started having sex again after. I thought the sex would make him come back to me. Needless to say, I was wrong. About 3 weeks before my due date, I met Alex. He didn't care that I was 9 months pregnant, he thought I was sexy anyway and thats what I needed. I had sex with him, and my boyfriend still to this day doesnt know. Besides, my boyfriend and I didn't get back together until after I had the baby. After how he treated me, I shouldn't have taken him back so easy, but I just wanted to have my family and be happy.
     Its been a year since he broke up with me and he hasn't even told me he loves me since. In fact, when I asked him why, he said it's just not how he feels. I know I love my boyfriend, but if he doesn't love me I don't get why he stays. He doesnt do any of the things he use to do and his excuse is always that he isn't an emotional person. I'm getting fed up but my love for him is what makes me stick around.
     All of that brings us now to my current situation. We'll call this situation Jake. Jake and I have known eachother since we were younger, but I've had a crush on him since I was 14. I've always liked him because despite how he treats other females, he never once expected sex from me. He was always content to cuddle. When I was going through rough times, he would come over and just cuddle with me on the weekends and we would fall asleep until he had to leave. He never once touched me inappropriately without me making the first move and I love that about him. When my boyfriend had to move back in with his parents a month ago, I got lonely and I called Jake even though I hadn't seen or heard from him since I was pregnant. For the first, I cheated on my boyfriend and have been since.
     Jake makes me feel the way my boyfriend use to. He looks at me in a way my boyfriend use to. I don't like what I'm doing but I'm addicted to the feelings he gives me. Especially when my boyfriend is treating me crappy. It impresses me that Jake waited all these years to have sex with me even though he knows I would have let him to it ages ago. I just kind of detach myself from it. Its almost like I'm two different people, if that makes any sense at all. My boyfriend doesn't give me love or emotion anymore and I need it. I need what Jake gives me but I still love my boyfriend. It makes me sick the way I check my phone for his texts and get excited when he tells me he's coming to see me. I'm addicted.
     I dunno. Please dont judge or preach, just listen. I don't need advice, I just hope someone like me or who understands finds this blog.