My Body image issues began when I was just 12 years old. I use to spend the summers at my dad's house but he was a young parent himself, so he was never really around. My aunts would take care of me instead. My Aunt R use to make me lift up my shirt and if she didn't like what she saw, she would make me get down on the floor and do 50 situps. After a while, she created an exercise regimen for my cousin and I that consisted of 50 situps, 50 leg lifts, and 50 side crunches on each side. I was only 11 and my cousin was only 9. We had to do these in the morning when waking up and at night when going to bed. I was told to never get bigger than a size 5. After a while, she started to relax, but the summer I turned 12, she called me up to her room. She was a rather large, lazy woman, so I thought she may want something to drink from downstairs, I dunno, the usual. Instead she called me to her room to tell me that I was getting too thick for a girl my age. That was the first time I starved myself. I starved until I lost 5lbs. I was praised for the weight loss and starving became my go to. I starved on and off throughout high school, the weight I lost always came back. I never really lost more than 10lbs at a time before I got sick of not eating, then I would overeat, it's a vicious cycle.
     I was never happy with my weight, I was always somewhere between 130-140lbs and for a girl whose only 5'2, that's not exactly small. Obviously, weight gain goes along with pregnancy and that was a hard part for me. The day before I gave birth, I was 172lbs. About a week and a half after my son's birth, I was 152lbs. It was hard for me to wait the required 6 weeks before exercise, so I only waited 4 weeks instead. I was so excited to go to my 6 week check up to see how much weight I lost and I found that I only lost 2lbs. I was devestated. After that, I restricted calories and exercised nonstop. The first 10lbs came off so easy, but I got discouraged after plateauing at 140lbs for a month. No matter how much exercise or what I ate, that weight wouldn't budge. That's when Alli came into play, I really didn't know what else to do. I only lost about 5 lbs on that stuff, but I broke the plateau and that's what mattered most to me.
     I wasn't satisfied after alli. Sure, I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight in about 5 months, but that just wasn't enough. Instead of only restricting calories, I began restricting meals. I started only taking in maybe about 600 calories a day and the weight started to fall off. Naturally, after starving, you become very hungry. I binged. I ate and ate, and then panicked from the fear of putting on weight, so I purged for the first time. Instead of only purging after a binge, I purge everything. I hurt the first time, but it's gotten easier and easier. I purge when I'm sad, when I'm lonely, not just after meals. I feel numb after. I can't just stop anymore. I'm too far gone. I'm 116lbs now.
     My family is suspicious, but I deny my problems and tell them I'm fine. I'm not, but I don't want to gain that weight back either. It's a scary place to be in.