As many of you know, on July 26, 2006 at approximately 5:00 pm I was Dooced. Sacked. Canned. Fired. Terminated. Because of my blog.

Now that the grieving process has run its course, it is time for me to be practical, to think of the future. Today is the first day of the rest of my life after all, correct?

Here is my post-dooced "to do" list:

I am going to need to choose a shopping cart to put all my worldly belongings in. Metal or plastic? Metal is more durable, and can likely carry more, but it is heavier. Plastic is much lighter, but will it hold up when the going gets tough? Hmm...

I am going to need a shiv. When I am in line at the soup kitchen, sometimes the jostling for position can get pretty intense. Especially on days they have crackers. I am going to need a little protection in case something goes down.

Maybe I better get two shivs, in case I break one off in some guy's aorta. I think toothbrushes with the bottom end filed down is a popular choice. Not only are they deadly, but with the color choices available, they can also be quite festive.

You see a lot of poor people line their shoes with newspaper when they start to come apart. I think this is a mistake. Newsprint doesn't hold up well under the stress and strain of living on the street. I think glossier paper is the way to go. I need to start saving those Parade magazines that come in the Sunday paper.

I also need to start stockpiling those plastic bags that you get at the supermarket. I can make my own underpants out of those.

I need to grow a beard. Not just for practical reasons (razors and shaving cream just aren't in the budget anymore) but I think it would look cool. And I hope it's one of those long flowing beards, you know? Because then I would look wise. And my street name could be The Prophet. The key to success on the street is often a cool name, you know. The Prophet. I like that. Commands respect, right? I can picture two cops driving by in a squad car and one turns to the other and says "Look. There's The Prophet taking a leak next to those garbage cans in the alley."

That's what I have planned so far. I feel pretty good about it. The devil is in the details, you know?

I'll tell you who I feel really bad for. My renter. She's gonna be out on the street too. And she's frail and delicate. She can't be humping a shopping cart all over the place. She'll have to go back to Singapore. And you know what they do to homeless people there, don't you?

Every see Soylent Green?

Stop over and see her before she is...um...just please go see her if you haven't already.