There is always a birthday party to go to when you’re a Parent. How many of us have had to run helter-skelter to grab a present, get the kids ready and there on time – only to face whimpers such as “Mummy, I’m scared” or “I don’t want to go alone”.
They are usually shy at the beginning and take some time to warm up to the surroundings and people. But once they are warmed up, they are usually fine. Sometimes it takes more time and reassurance. I would have to tell them that there is really nothing to be afraid of or direct their attention to another child who is enjoying herself and say something like ‘Linda is playing with balloons… shall we go over and join her?’
Some Are Born Shy
Psychological studies on temperaments show that babies are born with unique temperaments. This is the individual baby’s behavioural style and emotional response. There are different degrees of shyness, ranging from a child who is fearful of strangers and experiences separation anxiety to one who lacks social interaction skills.
So if these temperaments are inborn, is there really a way to help an inhibited child? Temperament experts believe that adaptive parenting can help a shy child.This is a parenting style where parents remain sensitive and flexible to each child’s signals and needs. Initiating a shy, withdrawn child into new environment may be better done at a slower pace.
Parents also need to be mindful that such children are usually more comfortable with environments where there are stimulus shelters or defensible spaces where they can retreat to, as opposed to a constantly noisy, chaotic environment.
For instance, if a child attends a play group with other children and after a while begins to exhibit discomfort and retreat to a quiet corner with less stimulation and play on his own or read a book.
The parent may then wish to arouse the child’s interest in engaging with the bigger group at a latter time when the child has gained some respite. In other words, build in pockets of temperament and letting the child set his own pace may be more beneficial to his personality development.
Show the way
There are instances of shy children with parents who are the total opposite, and that’s when expectations to be just like mum or dad really add pressure. But what if you are a shy parent yourself?
Timothy shares that he often has to lead by example and tries not to be shy himself as his children are constantly watching him and learning from him.
Grace, who’s daughter is three, feels that one good strategy to demonstrate the correct behaviour is by teaching her daughter some ways to overcome her shyness. “Usually Megan is not very open towards people who she has just met. Sometimes she’ll just look away or stand behind us! So when she does this, we encourage her to say ‘hi’ or shake the person’s hand”. Grace has also seen progress after sending her daughter to play group daily and to children’s church every Sunday, where Megan gets to make more friends, learns songs, listen to stories and take part in activities like art and craft.
By giving her daughter access to different ways of dealing with her shyness when in front of new people, she is helping her child respond in an appropriate manner. But more often than not, parents tend to brush it off by telling the other party that their child is shy.
Although this might be the real reason for a child’s behaviour, it is not advisable to use this label as it can often backfire. The child might withdraw even more or pretend to be shy whenever he or she chooses not to comply.
It is best to be flexible when dealing with any shy children and know the difference between misconduct and a genuine expression of inhibition. Punishing a child who requires more time to adapt to strangers and new environment may be counter-productive, resulting in even more withdrawal.
Talk And Teach
The key to helping a shy child open up is through constant encouragement and communication. Acceptance and valuing your child’s individuality will help you build closer ties with him and help share a more emotionally stable personality in the long run.
Quick Tips From Parents Of Shy Kids
They are usually shy at the beginning and take some time to warm up to the surroundings and people. But once they are warmed up, they are usually fine. Sometimes it takes more time and reassurance. I would have to tell them that there is really nothing to be afraid of or direct their attention to another child who is enjoying herself and say something like ‘Linda is playing with balloons… shall we go over and join her?’
Some Are Born Shy
Psychological studies on temperaments show that babies are born with unique temperaments. This is the individual baby’s behavioural style and emotional response. There are different degrees of shyness, ranging from a child who is fearful of strangers and experiences separation anxiety to one who lacks social interaction skills.
So if these temperaments are inborn, is there really a way to help an inhibited child? Temperament experts believe that adaptive parenting can help a shy child.This is a parenting style where parents remain sensitive and flexible to each child’s signals and needs. Initiating a shy, withdrawn child into new environment may be better done at a slower pace.
Parents also need to be mindful that such children are usually more comfortable with environments where there are stimulus shelters or defensible spaces where they can retreat to, as opposed to a constantly noisy, chaotic environment.
For instance, if a child attends a play group with other children and after a while begins to exhibit discomfort and retreat to a quiet corner with less stimulation and play on his own or read a book.
The parent may then wish to arouse the child’s interest in engaging with the bigger group at a latter time when the child has gained some respite. In other words, build in pockets of temperament and letting the child set his own pace may be more beneficial to his personality development.
Show the way
There are instances of shy children with parents who are the total opposite, and that’s when expectations to be just like mum or dad really add pressure. But what if you are a shy parent yourself?
Timothy shares that he often has to lead by example and tries not to be shy himself as his children are constantly watching him and learning from him.
Grace, who’s daughter is three, feels that one good strategy to demonstrate the correct behaviour is by teaching her daughter some ways to overcome her shyness. “Usually Megan is not very open towards people who she has just met. Sometimes she’ll just look away or stand behind us! So when she does this, we encourage her to say ‘hi’ or shake the person’s hand”. Grace has also seen progress after sending her daughter to play group daily and to children’s church every Sunday, where Megan gets to make more friends, learns songs, listen to stories and take part in activities like art and craft.
By giving her daughter access to different ways of dealing with her shyness when in front of new people, she is helping her child respond in an appropriate manner. But more often than not, parents tend to brush it off by telling the other party that their child is shy.
Although this might be the real reason for a child’s behaviour, it is not advisable to use this label as it can often backfire. The child might withdraw even more or pretend to be shy whenever he or she chooses not to comply.
It is best to be flexible when dealing with any shy children and know the difference between misconduct and a genuine expression of inhibition. Punishing a child who requires more time to adapt to strangers and new environment may be counter-productive, resulting in even more withdrawal.
Talk And Teach
The key to helping a shy child open up is through constant encouragement and communication. Acceptance and valuing your child’s individuality will help you build closer ties with him and help share a more emotionally stable personality in the long run.
Quick Tips From Parents Of Shy Kids
- Be patient with them. Give them the time and space they need to open up.
- Encourage them regularly to help them be less shy. Praise them when they do something that they would not usually do.
- Teach them what to say and do. Lead by example or highlight good and bad examples casually, then compliment or comment on them.
- Don’t push them if they are not ready and never label, scold or belittle them.
- Expose them to more activities and bring them out more often so that they get a chance to interact with other children and learn social skills.
