"Not everybody is going to like me, and that is okay" is among the most important phrases I accepted into my arsenal of mantras. Well, okay, they are all important, since they all serve their own purpose - but that's aside from the point. Prior to knowing and understanding this mantra, when I didn't have the same tools I do now, I didn't like when someone didn't like me. Now, I am in a place where I am better than just 'fine' when someone doesn't like me. And, this is a much better place to be.
In the older version of myself I used to say that I didn't care what people thought of me - I lived my life for myself only. That was a huge pile of shit. In reality I was a people-pleaser doing whatever I could to make others' like me. And all it cost was a whole lot of myself. Once I learned that my value wasn't dependent on who liked me I was able to move to the next level. At this higher level I was able to truly dissect and digest the meaning of respect.
My definition of respect has changed over time, largely in the past few years. For much of my life I believed respect was something that everybody had to earn, despite how I behaved. If someone "disrespected me" I would react in a way I thought it would help me in the long game. Depending on the situation I would:Drop the person completely,Become physically violent,Become verbally aggressive,Ignore their disrespect,Laugh it off. The last two methods of dealing with these situations were completely due to my lack of self worth and my need to surround myself with as many people as possible. And, the first three methods were a result of my ego. In all cases I employed these methods because I did not have a firm understanding of what respect truly is.
| Once I had a clearer understanding of what respect was, once I became more certain of who I am and what I need, I began to respect others differently. And, as a result, I began to demand a different kind of respect for myself and of myself. I want to stress that last point, I began to demand a different kind of respect from my own self. That was a game changer on its own, the entire new approach made a world of difference. | | |
For the first time in my life I was not afraid to lose somebody, except myself. And, I did lose people, actually, many people. It all reminds of the quote
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." Prior to this shift in thinking I was so afraid to lose others that I was willing to compromise myself; and, that compromised more important relationships. It all started by taking responsibility for myself. Although I recognize how others help or hinder me, it is really up to me whether they are in my life. Once I began to truly take responsibility for myself I applied two trusted laws of economics to my relationships.First is the law of
supply and demand which justifies the price of a product or service based on the consumer demand and the producers willingness to supply.Second is the law of
elasticity which tells us that not everybody will share the same value metric of a product or service.Armed with these tools I began to apply a value to relationships with the understanding that not everybody will apply the same value as I do. Using this new metrics system I was able to:
- Determine how much I was willing to suffer for a relationship to succeed; all relationships have a certain amount of suffering.
- Accept how much others are willing to suffer for our relationships. This is where elasticity comes in to play. I am also required to make a decision to adjust myself in the relationship or cut the relationship.
- See the value that all relationships gave me, even the failed ones.
- Determine which ones no longer served me and needed to be cut.
- Determine which ones needed to be in my life more often.
- Determine which ones were occasional relationships.
- And, determine when I needed to perform relationship fasting.
| | It was this shift in my life that allows me to view respect in a different way. I am no longer shackled by the narrow concept of respect and disrespect. Largely, I took the expectation part out of the picture; which were the unhealthy bonds. Once I did that, I actually commanded and gave respect. Now, where I would have cried out the war cry of disrespect I stand back with a new set of spectacles removing the veil of illusion. |
Not everybody sees how I am being respectful to them, and that is okay to me now. Some of them, I don't push it, some I walk away from, and some I gently push waiting for them to change their perspective. When I changed my view I realized that some of those people who I accused of not respecting me were just being real with me, they weren't allowing me to live inside my bullshit. And, some of those who I held to a high regard were those who were most toxic to me.
| About Jason White |
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| Jason White is a father, a grandfather, knowledge seeker and sharer. Jason is the owner of Growth Positive Consulting where he puts his fundraising and management skills to great use. He is a writer, a woodworker, and a philanthropist. Find him here:facebook: @JasonLWhiteAuthortwitter: @ChiiMakwainstagram: @Chii_Makwa patreon: https://www.patreon.com/JasonLWhite You can also donate to Jason through PayPal at paypal.me/jasonlwhiteauthor |
