Waiting for the Tow Truck to haul me a mile, the wine in my truck wasn’t going to just sit there. I understand how these tow truck situations usually happen. They say 30-45 minutes with traffic but I couldn’t get my hopes up. The hockey and basketball playoffs are currently coinciding and those are always taken up a notch in excitement with booze. There were several games on tonight including hockey eliminators.
You see, I don’t always keep wine in my truck especially with Spring yearning to turn into Summer in the Ozark hills. Summer heat in the South does not do the grape juice well. But I have a friendly source that keeps me stocked with the liquor; usually strong 19%-25% fortified Concord or this time White Muscadine, a sweet wild grape of the Earth.
The radio had been tuned to NPR and I was getting the latest updates for the afternoon. Bill O’ Reilly, a scum of the Earth who has been allowed to nationally spit garbage to fun loving Right Wing nuts for the last 20 some years has finally been ousted not because of ratings; crazies and the Dumb love their Papa Bill! But he had been fired because of countless incidents of sexual harassment on innocent women in the workplace. What a role model!
I write this part because I have an idea for the “losers” of the first round Stanley Cup playoff series this Spring. As of this late night of editing on April 20th, the Flames, Blue Jackets (what is that?) and Blackhawks have been eliminated. As I feel followers of O’Reilly are most likely the same people who loudly and proudly whine about participation trophies in little league, the first eliminated in these playoffs get first whack at ol Bill.
Let’s say there are 25 players on the playoff rosters in the NHL. A player like Patrick Kane for the Blackhawks, a forward who fittingly plays on the right wing, will start the halftime show in the next round. Quick on the ice, Kane will start from the back line in order to build up momentum and race down to O’Reilly standing at the opposite goal with a puck either on his head, in his mouth, or taped to his groin. I’m still working on ideas but we’ve got to move fast on this! And then WHACK!! This will go on for every player in the playoffs who gets eliminated.
The only way O’Reilly can avoid the quarterfinal exiters is to have his ridiculously large severance package of cash go to the settlement fund of his victims or any women’s rights groups that he so publicly denounced. But maybe even after he agrees to this we let all the women he harassed ride on the back of Sidney Crosby and get a turn at him too.
We need to concrete this plan as soon as we can. You can call the Guilty Addictions number (802) 391-0881 or email us [email protected] with any ideas for this to make it happen as soon as possible!
This wine is kicking in. I didn’t wanna drink too much or I wouldn’t be able to scout the first line of attack for this event tonight watching the hockey games. It’s been quite a bit longer than 45 minutes waiting for the tow. Good thing I have stayed hydrated I’m going to give this nice tow fella a piece of my mind.
TD
Editors Note: The caricature of Bill O'Reilly is based on a Creative Commons licensed photo from The World Affairs Council of Philadelphia's Flickr photostream.
