Apparently I wasn't done with my introspectives in last night's week's post, because even after I pushed that publish button and powered down the PC the ponderings kept tumbling down my tembles. I jotted them down in a notebook as well as I could until sleep took over.

I'm not sure I'm nearing a midlife crisis, or a blogging crisis, but it's probably a bit of both. I don't feel like it's a crisis at all per say, but like it could be. Like I've been teetering on the brink of it before, but always fell down the soft side. Like something needs to change. Like, I'm actually quite happy at the time of writing, but more so because I'm actually tackling the topic than because I'm actually happy.

Anyway: I'm not a teen any longer, and this blog has been running since I was, for 13 years. Unlucky number, I know, and that's a lot of years in Internet time. That's just one year less than I was when I started this blog, and over the years both of us have changed greatly. We've grown and evolved and become equally uncontrollable and hard to manage.

I feel like I'm nearing a point where I really need to sort things out, and decide what I'm going to do with my life, and since the site's a big part of my life it's along for the ride whatever the verdict is. Shutting it down isn't an option, so the question is: what do I do with it? Do I keep blogging? Do I stop and move on, and leave it be as an archive of my old life? Is this a remnant of my old life, or is this the part of me that I need to keep nurturing, and growing, and turn into my new life?

Lately work's taking over, but I'm happier blogging than I am working. This is the kind of work I wouldn't mind spending more time on, and yet I can't imagine this being work. Like: bill-paying stuff.

There's still a lot to do here. There's still a lot I like doing linked to this site - but there's not time for everything. It's not just the weekly blogs. It's blogs.

Writing spontaneously might make me want to write more, but do I want to spend my life writing? I've been honing this craft half-assedly for over a decade. Is it time to hone it whole-assedly from now on? Is this my time as a writer? Or... designer? Or... lyricist? Or... artist? Ace of all trades; master of none? Do I put in more time on the site, or less? And what content should I focus on?

I didn't have a plan from the beginning, and as time's passed I've simply expanded my focus rather than center it. What's the answer? Since I haven't figured it out yet I suppose this is going to be one more run-on post...

I'm not applying Hemmingway's advice at all. I'm still as much of a rebel now as I was ten years ago. I don't want to live a normal life. I don't even want to write normally. I didn't want to do just one thing either. Most of all I don't want to spend my days in an office cubicle saving up for a pension that I might never get to enjoy, when I could be having the best days of my life right now - but ironically that is exactly what I am doing right now. Both at my day job and at home, when I'm doing this.

But I don't earn a penny off of this. No ads. No donations. I did try both, half-assedly as usual, but I never earned enough for a payout with adsense, and I never received a Donation through the well-hidden donation button either. I thought about doing something about that, like putting it on the front page, but pride came in the way. I can do this for free, because this is my passion. So I took down the ads, and kept paying for hosting, and looking back I'm not sure if it was worth it.

Sure it was... right? If you know me you know I'm pretty business-minded, but I put my craft first and foremost, and I don't like ads myself so I won't push them on anyone else either. If you're wondering about the hidden donation page it's right here. Now without donation button.

Even passionate people need to get paid though. Even they need food and toothpaste. I might've started this without any such intentions - I started this because it was fun, and it was my vent to the world, but I do envy those who found a niche, exploited it, and made their blogs mainstream. With the amount of time I've put into this I could've been there too, but I chose a different path. The one that doesn't go anywhere. I mean: the longer path. The better path. That of learning and slooow wisdom. I hope so, and I hope I get some new insight soon, because the time's nigh. To choose. My future. The blog, or my life.

Or make the blog my life. It sounds a bit drastic.

Looking back, I never really had time for both, and I can't keep this up forever. It's not just one or the other of course. They're both many components, and if I streamlined this to be just an outlet, that could work too. I seek to find a viable solution and make it work, unwilling to sacrifice any of that which I've worked to build up so far. An impossible compromise.

Just to be clear: this isn't the last blog. I'm just pondering. Wandering through my mind, wondering when the yonder ends. It wasn't my intention to start with clickbait titles where I've always been honest, witty or summarative. Is it time to go with the times, or time to get the Times going around me? I don't know. I'll keep pondering. For better or worse, the time of change is coming. Lots, and lots of spare change. And as usual you won't know what to do with it, because paying only with spare change is sort of awkward, and so you collect even more, but eventually you know you are going to have to spend some of that change!

Wait, I'll turn the clickbait title around before I end this: This is going to be the last blog. When Internet crumbles; when the final advocates of free speech are locked up as fanatics, and our opinions worth less than the tethered ground on which we stand - our stepping stones sinking remnants of a civilization that could've been great: then this will be the last one standing. The last haven of free speech. The last opinion that matters. The last voice that yearns to be heard. The last whisper that fades away in the rustling wind. The last cough, as our collective life force sputters and dies and creativity is but a token of a bygone time.

The short-lived era of mankind is over. Humanity falls, and soon there's no sign we ever were. There's no life with a mind to dig up our fossil remnants and study our creed. Mother Earth is free again. Our cities crumble, and plants flourish in their dust. The skies are blue, the hills are green, and the world is wonderful. The Last Blog... is no more.