I remember those days of my guided (it was not too misguided) youth when that nice gentleman with long hair, the one with a name like a large Phone – at yes, AXL Rose – sang that nothing lasted forever, not even cold November rain. Well, dearies, he would not have sung the same same song if he had been talking about phones.

Because a Big Fat Bird tells me that it is now going to rain phones in pain Indian market. And it is not going to stop for a while either, unlike that November rain Rose ji was singing about. Sounds difficult to believe? Well, then, let’s do the counting, shall we?

First off, that Reliance Jio phone which everyone says is not smart (I think it is kind of dishy, though) which is coming in a day or two. So cheap that it costs nothing, I think, although you will have to ask that handsome Viranch how that works out (he keeps writing about it) – when I asked the dealer for it and said I wouldn’t pay for it, he said something that meant that I had a very unmotherly relationship with my mother. But anyway, that is for this week. The week after will start with Sony showing us the XZ1. I don’t know if you have noticed but people wince whenever I talk of Sony and HTC and when I ask them why they are doing so they say it is because they know it will be expensive. Hope that is not the case. Anyway, it WILL definitely be the case when Apple brings the iPhone 8 and 8 Plus also a few days after that. I am expecting all those people to start making jokes about selling their kidneys and right nostrils and left earlobes and old kneecaps to get one. And they you know what? These same fellows will line up to buy the same damn phone without sacrificing any parts of their own body. How unfair is that?

But wait, no, there is more. Shortly after this GawdPhone duo turns up there will be another phone, and this will come from Google. The Pixel 2 (unless Google also gets superstitious and decides to call it the Pixel 675345u3u45yi35) will be some sort of Android flagship and depending on the mood of our fellows, be either evolutionary or revolutionary and will be compared with the iPhone in all respects, but for some reason even though it won’t be el cheapo, people will not say you have to sell your lungs to buy it. It seems – I am new here, remember – iPhone can be measured in body parts, but Pixel cannot. Such racism and inequality.

There is more, sweeties. There will also be the Moto X4, which is the new Moto, and which is so glassy that some people will call it classy. It has a camera that can tell you what you are looking at it seems. And some dame called Alexa who lives in the Amazonian jungles. Had enough? I surely hope not. Because then there is the matter of Honor giving us another phone just after the X has been released. The big fat bird did not tell me which one, sweets, but everyone thinks it could be the Honor 9. And of course, even when this is happening, there is talk not just in corners but in the middle of the road that Oppo, Vivo and the Max that is Micro will also be launching…you guessed it, phones.

Oh and this just came in, sweethearts – Nokia too might be launching that very nice Nokia 8 finally in India next week. About time too, I say. So many people I have seen with it, who went to London to see the launch, and everyone says it is damn good but they cannot use it because the software is some beta or something. Perhaps they will now be finally using it! Speaking of which, the Mi Mix 2 might also turn up. After all, festival season is the time to be happy and celebrate and eat sweets and…well, buy phones, people seem to think.

Phoney rain, no? Now, does anyone have the name of that nice Mr Rose to make him sing about it?