Cooking secrets of some of the worlds greatest chefs are really not all that mysterious. Usually they are just a mixture of common sense and experience. Since I do my share of the meal preparation in this house I thought I would share some of my kitchen tips with you.

1) Cooking sherry is for cooking, not for getting you in the mood to cook. The more sherry you drink, the more likely you are to forget that you are actually cooking and whatever it is you have in the oven will burn. You can remedy this problem by serving your guests even larger amounts of sherry and they in turn will either forget why they are there or whatever blackened lump of flesh you serve them will taste just fine.

2) If you are serving some sort of fowl, be it turkey or goose or pheasant, be sure that you have all ready dressed the bird. Animals are generally a lot smarter than we give them credit for and will sense their time has come and will do whatever is neccessary to prolong their already short lives. Also live birds make one heck of a noise when they see you coming with the axe so make sure the dirty work is done behind the woodshed or in a back ally.

3) Think ahead. Frozen fast food from KFC will fool all but the fussiest of diners. When questioned, always respond with "it's an old family recipe." Even the Colonel himself borrowed the original recipe from his Grandmother.

4) No one really likes turkey. Nor do they like any sort of cooked bird other than chicken. Be a generous host and give your guests the option to call out for pizza and beer. You will then have a meal to be remembered.