Amelia, the cat, has had a lovely life thus far.

Good food, a good home. Even a good “servant” (cough, cough), I mean a good human friend.

Amelia is laying on her house´s balcony, in her backyard.

Ricky, the parrot, comes flying in and lands right in front of her.

Amelia (without opening her eyes): hey there Ricky.
Ricky: Hey mi Amor.
Amelia: you are one frisky bird! Does Rosa know you talk to other women like that?
Ricky: Of course not! Do you think I´m an idiota? She´d kill me on the spot!

Amelia: yeah, she´s a smart girl. Anyways, what can I help you with? Please keep in mind I have no intention of moving so much as an inch in the next couple of hours.

Ricky: what if you have to tinkle?
Amelia: I have to what?
Ricky: Tinkle! You know, go to the bathroom.

Amelia (covering her ears): La, la, la… I can´t hear you…
Ricky: you´re too precious, mi linda.

Amelia: what exactly does “mi linda” mean?
Ricky: My beautiful.
Amelia: Francis ever spoke to other women like that, I´d skin him alive.

Ricky: I mean no harm. I mean, I´m a parrot, you´re a cat.
Amelia: so?
Ricky: we´re supposed to be mortal enemies, and yet, you are so nice.

Amelia: who said?
Ricky: who said what?
Amelia: that we´re supposed to be mortal enemies.

Ricky: History, mi linda.
Amelia: Never met her, but I think she´s stupid.

Ricky is left speechless.

Amelia (cont.): anyways, I mean you no harm.
Ricky: yes, I´m aware. Any other cat would have eaten me already.
Amelia: I don´t eat meat, or bird for that matter.

Ricky: good to know.
Amelia: doesn´t mean you should be careless around other cats though.
Ricky: don´t worry. I´m aware that not all felines are as nice as you.
Amelia: good. Unless, of course, you run into Francis. He´s harmless. A drunkard, but not dangerous.

Ricky: who´s Francis?
Amelia: a male cat that belongs to Missy´s boyfriend.
Ricky: Oh, is he tu amor?

Amelia: Mi what? I swear, sometimes I haven´t got a clue what it is you´re saying.
Ricky: Ai Dios! Your boyfriend.
Amelia: don´t be ridiculous. Of course not!

Ricky: but you like him, don´t you?
Amelia: sometimes.
Ricky: what times?
Amelia: when he´s not an annoying twat!

Ricky: twat?
Amelia: an idiot!
Ricky: women always think men are idiots.
Amelia: I´m a cat. He´s a cat.

Ricky: you´re missing the point.
Amelia: Male, female. I get it.
Ricky: I´ll keep an eye out for other cats. Thank you.
Amelia: You´re welcome.

Another bird, or parrot, flies over and lands next to them.

Ricky: Rosa?
Rosa: I knew it!
Ricky: you knew what, mi amor?

Rosa: don´t mi amor me! I knew I´d find you here, with this flea bag!
Amelia: why you…
Ricky (interrupting): ladies! Rosa, don´t be rude. Amelia´s just a friend.

Rosa: are you crazy? She´s a cat! Cats and birds…
Ricky (interrupting, and risking his life): Parrots!
Rosa (gives him a death glare): whatever, aren´t friends! They´re mortal enemies!

Amelia: well, that settles it now, doesn´t it?
Rosa: what?
Amelia: we´re not lovers.

Rosa: cut the cuteness! I see right through you pussycat! You throw in the nice act and then when he least expects it, you pounce on him and he becomes lunch.

Amelia: are you crazy?
Rosa: what?
Amelia: okay, first of all, Ricky´s my friend…
Rosa: pft… yeah, right!

Amelia (ignores the snide remark): and second, how would I ever cook him?
Rosa: cook what?
Amelia: Ricky!
Rosa: why would you want to cook him?

Amelia: you don´t think I´d eat him raw, do you?
Rosa (dumbstruck, to Ricky): is she for real?
Ricky: yes.

Amelia (losing her patience): what?

Rosa is about to say something but rethinks and looks at Ricky.

Ricky: she´s harmless.
Rosa (not really convinced): okay…
Amelia: Huh! You´ve killed my buzz. I´m going inside.
Rosa: Killed your what?

Ricky gives Rosa a “please shut up” look.

Amelia: Bye Ricky.
Ricky: Adios pussycat.

Rosa turns her head and finds Amelia right in her face. She swallows in dry, petrified.

Amelia: Goodbye Rosa. It was very unpleasant to meet you.
Rosa (all might loss): bye…
Ricky: I´m sure she loved meeting you.

Amelia turns and walks away.

Amelia: yeah, yeah…

Rosa smacks Ricky.

Ricky: ai!
Rosa: ai my but! Why did you cut me off?
Ricky: Rosa, Amelia´s a nice cat and all, but she can be a mean cat if she wants to be.
Rosa: so what?

Ricky: do you want to become lunch?
Rosa: no…
Ricky: Then don´t piss her off.

Rosa: Oh okay… But she said…
Ricky: she kills you, takes you to her “servant”, as she calls her caretaker, and has you cooked.
Rosa: I’m guessing that´s bad.
Ricky: yeah birdie, that´s bad.

Rosa: is she really that nice?
Ricky: yeah, she saved my butt a couple of times.
Rosa: you never told me that.

Ricky: This giant cat was about to kill me, she showed up, kicked his butt and brought me back here.

Rosa: wow, really?
Ricky: yeah. I told you, she´s nice.
Rosa: so… she´s a fake cat?

Ricky: Ai Dios! What in the world am I going to do with you?
Rosa: what did I say?

The end!

2017_Joana Teixeira