I didn’t plan on hiring a Personal Press Secretary, but when opportunity knocks, you take it. Opportunity knocked into me particularly hard on Friday, when Sean Spicer hit me in a Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot. He volunteered to serve as my personal press secretary for a while if I promised to keep the collision quiet. After all, he’s in between jobs, and apparently, it’s pretty expensive to insure a motorized podium.

Anyway, why not? It’s a win-win: I get to fulfill my lifelong dream of having someone else do all of my talking, and Sean gets to fulfill his dream of having a boss who won’t equip his podium with a speed limiter. Here are the statements he delivered in his first weekend speaking for me, preserved for posterity and because Sean insists the “fake media” will misquote him.

Statement From the Accident Scene

“Good afternoon. As you have heard by now, Melanie was struck by a driver in this parking lot. She was not at fault, and neither was the person who hit her. Both of them are very, very not at fault. The truth is that this was a collision between the two most talented drivers in history – period. That’s the story you should be covering, instead of the impressively high number of donuts Melanie ordered or what bushes the other guy may have hid behind.”

Statement to My Friends on My Availability to Go Out Friday Night

“Unfortunately, Melanie is unable to accompany you to whatever loud bars you have chosen to frequent tonight. This is not, as the media has reported, because she is just staying home to watch the fourth season of Boston Legal. Her excuses that she ‘doesn’t feel well’ or ‘has other plans’ are 100 percent accurate. They may have been phony in the past, but they’re very real now.”

Statement to the Starbucks Barista (Given by Kellyanne Conway Because Sean Spicer Had Already Booked a Children’s Birthday Party Gig)

“Yes, Melanie will be having a tall iced coffee and a panini, though I’m not sure why you’re so concerned with her order. The real story is your panini ovens. How can we be sure that there’s not a camera in those – what? Look, Melanie, I can’t be blamed for not staying on message if you won’t buy me anything. Go ahead and add another panini to the order. Cold, please.”

Statement Kellyanne Conway Read When I Asked Her to Record My Outgoing Voicemail Message, Because Why Not? (Also, I Don’t Have to Return Her to the Sarcophagus Until 5)

“‘Melanie can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave your message, and she will definitely get back to you.’ Are you sure this is all you want me to say? Normally people ask me to lie for them.”

Sean’s First Statement Upon His Return, In Response to a Scam Caller

“No, this isn’t Melanie, this is her press secretary. She wouldn’t normally pick up these calls, but I insisted on answering to tell you that you’re spreading the biggest lies in history. Not even Hit – not even the worst villain of all time would use fake calls to make people do things that will hurt them. You should be ashamed of yourself for misleading people for a living.”

Statement Sean Prepared When I Told Him I Won’t Be Going to Work on Monday

“Melanie will not be in the office on Monday. She will return to work on Tuesday. She hopes that her supervisors are understanding and don’t insist on bringing in one of their outside friends in her absence. I mean, people love Melanie, she gets good ratings. Her superiors shouldn’t punish her with the addition of a newcomer with better hair, more emotional intelligence, and favorable appearances on Fox News. Please respect our privacy at this time.”

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