I’ve been watching some of the winter Olympics, and I’ve decided I don’t like them as well as the summer Olympics. I think it’s because they always have them in the cold weather when everything is covered with ice and snow. They should have them in maybe July or August when it’s warmer. I think I’d like them better then.

My wife likes watching the ice skating. I watch with her sometimes, but the only thing I know about Figure skating is: falling down it’s bad. The main reason I watch is to see people fall down. It’s sort of like watching NASCAR for the crashes. The worse thing about figure skating is you have to wait until the judges figure out the scores to see who won. (Most of the time I think they just flip a coin. I mean, does anyone really think there’s a difference between a Double Toe loop, a Lutz and an Axel? It’s all the same thing! Haven’t you noticed how the announcers have all they can do to keep from laughing when they say Triple Salchow? Wake up people. They have been putting us on for decades.) Judging is always so subjective. I’m old enough to remember the Soviet Union and all the judging controversies. Some East German skater would fall, break his leg with blood shooting out of it like something Steven King would write, while the EMTs did CPR as they wheeled him out of the rink on a gurney. Later that night they would posthumously give the gold medal to his next of kin because there had been more eastern bloc judges than western judges.

I’ve never trusted sports with judges. A bona fide sport needs a Finish line. That way you know instantly who won. They could put a finish line in figure skating. All the skaters could do the same moves and jumps, and whoever crosses the finish line in the shortest time wins. They could even put more than one skater on the ice at the same time … They could even put ALL the skaters on the ice at the same time. Sort of a skater free-for-all. Sure it would be confusing with lots of skaters running into each other and falling down, but wouldn’t it be fun? You might lose some of the highbrow artsy-fartsy crowd, but think of all the hockey fans you’d gain.

Snowboarding has a finish line, but it doesn’t mean much because it has judges, too. Go figure. I only know one thing about judging snowboarding: falling down is bad. It’s amazing the way they run the rails and do spins and rolls over the jumps. Personally, if you don’t fall down and cross the finish line without wetting yourself, I’d give you a medal. And yes, having more than one person go down the slope at the same time would improve the sport. I’m not sure where the sport of snowboarding came from, but I bet it started with the statement: “Hold my beer and watch this.”

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