By Chuck Nelson

I know what you’re thinking right off the bat: This guy is trying to give advice on limiting Alcohol intake. Hasn’t he been drunk with every article he’s written? The answer to that question is yes. Which is why you should listen to me, because I know what the fuck I’m talking about. As a seasoned veteran of over-imbibing of spirits (translation: getting shit faced) I have gotten drunk in many different ways. Not all of them ended on a good note.

On more than one occasion I woke up in an unfamiliar place, next to someone I didn’t know, missing my pants and or shirt. That’s not that big of a deal, I know. However as I laid there, recalling the events of the evening, I made sure to make a mental list of what the hell I could remember, and how I got that drunk. There was one of two occasions where I ended up talking to uniformed police officers, and than very politely given an opportunity to think about what I had just said to the valiant public servants that made them restrained me. As I laid on the cold concrete trying to sober up I also made a vague list of the multitude of borderline suicidal things I had done that night.

Let’s face it, Beer is for pussies. Well drinking them at a moderate pace, and limiting your consumption is fine if you have a court date or something. Let’s be honest. Nobody is trying to get wrecked off beer. It’s just something that happens along the way. So let’s inspect some of the more inventive ways that I, and people I know, have gotten wasted.

Beer Bongs

Ahh the old frat house staple, aka the date rapist’s best friend. Pair up with kegs of beer, and shot games this is how most late teens-early twenty somethings get laid in college. Now since I didn’t go to college this is how my friends and I got blacked out drunk, and woke up just as lonely as the night before. The problem comes into play when you start funnel shit into your stomach at a high rate of speed, using gravity, that had a higher proof than, oh let’s say, 10. That’s anything besides beer. I’ve seen wine, mixed drinks, malt liquor, straight liquor, and even milk (yes, Vitamin D whole milk) go down one of these contraptions.

The worst cases always involve one of your asshole friends deciding that slamming 12oz of beer isn’t good enough, and either adds more beer to the funnel. Since you’re blind to the fact that the beer keeps getting added you just keeping chugging, and eventually realize that you just drank a 6 pack worth of beer in about 20-30 seconds. Unless you throw it up, which no one ever does because you don’t fucking waste good beer. Hell you don’t waste shitty beer at that age. Other scenario, somebody decides they want to get drunk but doesn’t feel like drinking, problem solved. Add a strong mixed drink or straight liquor to the beer bong, and you’re hammered in no time. Problem is your body can’t handle that kind of shock unless you drink like Billy Bob Thorton in Bad Santa. So you end up in the back seat of your car with your head hanging out into a ditch so no one sees you throwing up that burrito you had your buddy grab from Taco Bell. Or something like that.

High Proof Alcohol

Oh if I can handle splitting a fifth of vodka with someone I’ll be able to handle a pint of 151 on my own no problem. Right? Fuck no. What happens is that you ended up an incoherent, vomiting mess before you even know what the hell happened to you.

You remember that 3^rd shot, and then hear stories about the next 4 hours of your life that you will never recollect. Chances are you were chasing those shots with a mixed drink too, then dumping more alcohol down your suck hole while in the blacked out phase. Same rings true if you regularly drink a normal ABV% level beer. (ABV%= Alcohol By Volume % in case you didn’t know) By that I mean Bud Light, Labatt’s, Miller Lite as regular levels, generally between 4%-6%. If you all of a sudden put down 2 40’s of Steel Reserve, well my friend, you are fucked.

On a side note here: Moonshine, it delicious, and gets you hammered if done correctly. Measure your shots, and for the love of your mother do not, I repeat, do not chug it, slam it, or take multiple shots in a row. You can’t handle it, I don’t care how much you drink. Also, according to my cousin Matt, do not mix it with Faygo Cream Soda. I’ll remember that Matt.

Anything involving a bucket

My friends are idiots. They have this concoction they love called a “Pink Panty Pulldown” I know, it makes them sound like rapists. I can’t stand the stuff. Basically it’s a 30 pack of the worst beer you can find, a half-gallon of the cheapest vodka you can find, and a can or two of frozen pink lemonade concentrate. Another fun fact is that it smells exactly the same when you throw it back up. You’re hammered off of two or three glasses of this junk. Another popular one is “Caribou Lou” which was introduced to us by Tech Nine, he’s a rapper. It’s “151 rum, pineapple juice, and Malibu, make baby girl cum.” In other words, rape juice. Don’t drink it. You won’t remember your night, and all you’ll have is people looking at you with a little embarrassment for you for the rest of your life. You may or may not cum.

So if you do end up at a party, and there’s a big bucket of some awful smelling, awful tasting juice just back away. Chances are it’s been laced with roofies anyway. The result will be years of counseling that you will never fully recover from and shits that are never tightly coiled again.

Bombs

Anytime you mix alcohol and energy drinks the chances of getting arrested increase by about 137% (I did the math on it, trust me) Your mind shuts off, but your body keeps going until you’re just stumbling around like a drunk zombie trying to get anyone to sleep with you that will. Now on the opposite end of the spectrum is the Irish Car Bomb, that makes it damn near impossible to get laid because you’ve slammed so much beer, and whiskey you won’t be able to perform if you do manage to coerce the girl who’s sleeping on the bar to come home with you.

The only problem with both, they’re so damn delicious it’s hard to say no when someone hands you one.

Mixing Drugs and Alcohol

I’m not just talking about street drugs. Sure a little blow will make you drink for 12 hours straight without feeling a thing, but there are other things to watch out for when you get drunk. You mix alcohol and painkillers, and you’ll probably pass out quicker than your grandpa after Thanksgiving dinner. You could die too.

You mix antibiotics with booze, and not only do you cancel out the effects of the antibiotics but the next day you’ll probably be shitting fire. No joke. Cold medicine, and rum. You might puke on a girl’s head while she’s throwing up from the same thing. High School memories are fun. You mix alcohol and Ecstasy and you’ll probably die from dehydration. I never mixed those two, but a guy I knew did. He died. So there’s that.

Drinking when you’re sad

We’ve all done it. We’ve all regretted it. If you didn’t know alcohol is a depressant, which is why you end up laying in the middle of the street, or a friends driveway, bawling your eyes out about the girl that just dumped your stupid ass because you aren’t in touch with your emotions. “HOW’S THIS FOR EMOTIONAL BITCH!” It doesn’t take that long to go from laughing with your friends to looking like you just watched the Notebook for the first time, and you’re on your period.

You’re going to do it anyway, so when you do just follow my advice above, avoid those things. You’ll get wasted anyway, but with any luck by the time you become the epitome of a walking train wreck everyone else will be passed out.

I always forget my family reads these.