The top ten excuses for why Wild Man has not posted for three weeks in decreasing levels of truth and increasing levels of complexity.

10.  I haven’t got around to it.

9. The internet has stopped working on my computer

8.  I was on vacation in Seattle and have been working to get back into the “Swing of Things.”

7.  I have been too busy watching awesome IU games.

6.  I was discovered by a comedy central executive and have been working on a “Wild Man” pilot (yes the next six are less true than this).

5.  I got carried away doing interpretive dance to Dan Fogelberg, and while my heart was breaking I lost all track of time (See Wild Man Interpretive Dance to Dan Fogelberg).

4.  I have been doing therapy sessions for President Obama because he keeps having dreams that he is a republican—and a capitalist—and a female (incidentally my therapy has not done any good, he’s still a liberal.)

3.  I had a strange skin fungus called Fungemenisidicicus and it is so rare that I got a sweet gig modeling for those medical book pictures.  Unfortunately in the final printing they just cropped way in on my rash, so you couldn’t even see my awesome poses.

2.  I suffered an existential crisis, and thought that I was the lady in the Mona Lisa which was very disturbing because I did not know why I was smiling, and my eyes kept following people no matter where they stood.  I also couldn’t figure out why I was the greatest painting of all time.  I did discover that I was Leonardo’s mistress, so that mystery was solved, but I was disappointed because it was a pretty predictable outcome.

1.  I ate an ant which would not have been a big deal in and of itself, but it kept crawling on my stomach lining and it itched really bad, so I decided to ingest some Neosporin and then whack my stomach and hope it would spread around on the inside, my Neosporin tube was empty, so I decided to go to the store, but when I got there it was being held hostage by an ex-soviet  gang that called themselves the Blueberry Muffin Gang, which was a surprising name.  They were very evil, and their leader (His name was Lenin Stalin Marx Castro China North Korea North Vietnam Soviet Berlin Wall East Germany John Lennon, but they called him Lenny)was firing his automatic Tommy all over the place, and tormenting a very sweet old man and forcing him to “sag bag” his pants.  The old man was really upset because he said “sag bagging” was “So 90’s.”  I decided I could not tolerate this torture so I attacked the Blueberry Muffin Gang and it was no contest because I have all the moves and forest wits.  They were all dead.  It was self defense, and heroic, but the hostages were in shock and thought that I must be a bad guy, so when the police arrived they arrested me.  I tried to tell them that the people I had killed were an evil gang of ex-soviet bad guys that were trying to kill everybody, but the police would not believe me until I showed them Lenin Stalin Marx Castro China North Korea North Vietnam Soviet Berlin Wall East Germany John Lennon’s Drivers License.  Then they guessed that I might be telling the truth.  They said I still had to go through due process, so they took me to the station and would have questioned me, but it was Monday night which is football night in America so they told the secretary Betty to question me and they ran home to watch the Browns and the Chiefs play which was an awful game, and nobody could understand how those two teams got on Monday Night Football.  Betty thought I was cute so she made my questions very easy, and I knew all the answers.  Then I went home and was hungry so I made a giant batch of fried chicken and had a bunch of leftovers, so I invited the whole neighborhood to join.  This made all the men feel competitive and they had to host their “Even better cookouts” but unfortunately none of them were even close to as good as my fried chicken, so the whole neighborhood was jealous , shunned me, and ran me out on a rail.  Of course I was stronger than all of them combined and they couldn’t have made me leave, but I make love not war, so I left, but I had not realized how bad the housing market was so I had to purchase a home in a really bad part of town, and so in order to keep people from breaking into my home I had to start an afterschool program that fostered and encouraged the neighborhoods youth and taught them to be positive, D.A.R.E. to say no to drugs, and to paint pretty pictures on all the walls so there was no place to put the graffiti.  Then I had to wait for the youth I had positively impacted to grow up and stop the cycle, but they all went to college, got good jobs, and moved away, so I had to start a non-profit whose mission was to prevent “Brain Drain” and encourage young people to stay local.  Finally the crime rate dropped and I am just now having time to make another post.