It is getting on for 15 years since I last swam.
This is for several very good reasons:
1. I am developing a somewhat ‘portly’ appearance.. otherwise known as a beer belly.
2. I am developing a complex about my beer belly.
3. I am not very good at swimming.
4. I might drown and, the pathologist (who would probably be Amanda Burton) would say something along the lines of:
AB: “Yes, it’s clear that she had consumed a pint of beer and a bag of Frazzles approximately 58 minutes before swimming, whereas Everybody Knows you should wait a full hour after food before getting into the water. Therefore I deduce that this (unidentified) person died from food-before-swimming-syndrome, has the beginnings of a beer belly and, given the evidence, in my opinion Deserved.To.Die”.These reasons are enough to keep me strictly clear of water of any depth greater than would necessitate me to reveal more than my ankles, but, I accidentally bought a wetsuit, thinking it would make me thin and now I am on a beach…
The detective on duty (probably Bergerac) would, horrified, scribble notes frantically and plan his next talk to Primary School kids.
(Don’t play on railway lines, don’t stick your fingers into toasters, don’t swim for an hour after eating).
AB: “Oh, and by the curious markings on the backs of her knees, I conclude that this (unidentified) lived in Wales, once ate 12 doughnuts in one day and, hated spaghetti hoops”
