The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on.

Dance like it hurts,/ Love like you need money,/ Work when people are watching.

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Everything of importance has been said before by somebody who did not discover it.

The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece.