By Simba Kakora
Woman Breaks Into Drake’s House And Raids The Fridge
A woman who was clearly on her Worst Behavior, broke into Drake’s Southern California home and instead of stealing the fake jewelry he always raps about, she broke into his fridge and drank his water and pop. The thirst really is real out there. The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department found and arrested 24-year-old Mesha Collins early Monday morning in Drake’s hizzy. When asked why she didn’t steal any s**t she supposedly replied, “Did you honestly expect me to steal his music? “
| “Now I gotta make a song about how a girl broke my heart and Sprite endorsement deal.“ |
Spice Girls To Re-Unite
This week was a fab one for Spice Girl fans (assuming they are still alive) as the former girls have confirmed that they will once again come together to form Spice-A-Tron: DeF**ker Of The Pop Universe. The reunion date coincides with the 21st anniversary of their hit track, Wannabe, which may be the right term to adequately describe a bunch of pop stars-turned-housewives-turned-back-into-popstars-wearing-granny-pants. Mel B, Emma Bunton, and Geri Horner wanted to reunite with a major concert in London's Hyde Park in summer 2017 but Mel C and Victoria Beckham initially weren’t keen. We may have finally figured out Victoria’s Secret after all. The reunion was meant to happen much earlier but didn’t largely due to Mel B’s husband, who had enough sense to tell her, “You are too old for this s**t.“
| “If you wanna be my lover...you have got to buy me a wheelchair.“ |
Goats For Fees
Zimbabwe is a country best known for three things, a dead lion, a dead economy and a president who just won’t die. More recently the country trended online for their adoption of a new currency…..goats, as in actual goats dufus. Due to increasing cases of parents who can’t send their kids….oops, I mean children to school anymore, you know, because like we mentioned before, the economy is dead as f**k, the Zimbabwean Government collectively sat down to come up with a super, indestructible payment method, the-bring-a-goat-to-school also known as The Movable Property Security Interests Bill which basically allows an individual to access a bank loan using movable assets like cattle, sheep or your newborn baby. Education Minister, Lazarus Dokora told the press that some schools had already entered with into agreements with parents who can’t afford to pay school fees to provide either livestock or labor. So if you can’t afford a goat you can always go the (Insert Years Your Child Is In School)-Years A Slave route. In retrospect, we can conclude that the Zimbabwean government is kidding around.
| “Young Money.“ |
Kendrick Throws The Internet Into A Frenzy Once More
Kendrick Lamar has been f**king making it mighty hard for anything else to trend on Twitter. Only thing more powerful than a Kendrick hashtag is a Trump tag. On the 18th of April (which happens to be Independence Day in Zimbabwe but sadly not for the goats) Lamar released the video to DNA, a track of his album DAMN, which may be the right term to adequately describe a rap-protégé-turned-rap-god. The highlight of the video was the appearance of prolific actor Don Cheadle who you may know as the War Machine in the Avengers movie or that guy who managed the hotel in Hotel Rwanda. Lamar and Cheadle have been buddies for a long time based on mutual respect of each other’s mad skills and the ensuing result was a “Look Fake A** Rappers, I Got Black Iron Man To Be In My Video“ type of vibe. In the video, Kendrick transforms into his alter ego, Kung-Fu Kenny, which to Don Cheadle’s delight, is actually in homage to a character Cheadle played in Rush Hour 2. With all this bromance floating around we can’t help but say, “Get a room guys…DAMN.“
Russia Bans Jehovah’s Witness
“Knock, knock, who’s there?“……silence….That’s probably how all knock knock jokes are going to end in Russia as the Supreme Court has banned Jehovah’s Witnesses labelling them an extremist organization. He court also ruled that this highly threatening group must disband and hand over all their property to the state, that’s a s**tload of Watchtower pamphlets. Yaroslav Sivulskiy, a spokesperson for JW in Russia says that they will appeal this decision as it impedes on impedes on the basic human right to knock on other people’s doors.
| “You do know you guys are illegal now? It's like weed knocking on my door.“ |
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