Today was another long long day. I have tried every possible way short of joining a Church to connect with someone, anyone here. 

I tried Volunteering at the Frist Center for the Arts which is an amazing place to visit.  Just visit. My first assignment was in the Arts Center.  I work with kids all day and it is largely kids that visit.  I have written about that before with the other two volunteers who were not two people I would expect nor should be volunteering there.

And today in true Nashville fashion I was baited and switched when I agreed to come back and try something else that was less demanding.  And I was placed in the coat room.  This reminded me so much of Nashville Public Schools down to the cell I was placed in, I truly thought I must give people here some type of vibe that freaks them the fuck out.  So I told the Coordinator that this was it. I am done. I gave him the highlight reel and that I wanted to meet adults to find friends or some social contacts but that the Volunteers here are just not social, the environment is just conducive to that and well that is Nashville frankly. 

It is impossible when you are older to meet people. Period.  And when you are just looking for a lunch companion or movie pal it is impossible.  I don't care about anything other than a sense of humor and some intellect, those two in fact are co-joined at the hip and that is a matter of fact, not an alternative one.  So in a Town-City where only 33% are educated with 91% Christian it makes it tough as that last one often cancels out the others.

Aside from the raging lack of humor I have never met people so isolated and suspicious of strangers as I have here.  It is like a giant high school and the cool kids don't just have a table they have the whole cafeteria.

Now some of this is age and as one approaching 60 and not mph I get it.  I have nothing attached to my vagina via a ring or a cord.  I am not easily classified as hetero or gay and does that really matter? How about the idea of fucking anyone but myself makes me cringe.  I have a shitty job but it does not define me.  I read voraciously, love a lot of music, movies, theater and even watch TV.  Apparently no one here does anything but drink, go to the Predators, Titans or the College games and eat out, and do so a lot.   I am not big on eating out but I cannot remember the last time since moving here having a meal, a coffee, a drink or even a meaningful conversation with an Adult since I moved here at the end of June.

I have health problems.  So when you keep asking me, "why did you come here?" My response is a lie.  I cannot say I came for the medical tourism for dental work I could not get in Seattle as cheap as it is here and by actually decent Surgeons, so that answer is a little long, personal and really none of your fucking business.

 My job as a Substitute Teacher has enabled me to actually first hand experience your 40 year old failed social experiment and it deserves an F.   I hate myself walking into each building and facing the children that are just smaller versions of the adults I encounter. They are rude, arrogant, utterly judgemental, oddly sexual (which again tells me that the Teacher did not kidnap that kid, define kidnap and yes by law he did but I suspect that there had been an ongoing sexual relationship that precluded the running away), and utterly stupid.  Yes I said stupid. It at times is embarrassing to listen to children talk as if I am not there and the conversations I hear make me physically sick.   But when kids actually think memorizing the Presidents, the year they served and in order is a mark of intelligence and not a Jeopardy question it tells me that they are learning nothing.  And that is just some of the lessons I have had to administer. 

Then there is the down time that I use to go to the Y and have coffee and be ostensibly the last pedestrian in Nashville. Seriously I feel waking is like taking a life risk. When I rent a car I feel the same way it is as if everyone is rushing to go nowhere but get there fast.

I watch as my overpriced Apartment is blocked on a daily basis for hours at a time by traffic thanks to the endless trains that cross literally in front of my home.  The blasting horns that run 24/7 at decibels that are deafening and utterly unnecessary seems to at times almost deliberate as one engineer ran them 16 times in one crossing.  There is an opioid crisis with train personnel and in Tennessee so clearly he is doubling down on the drugs as the maximum by law regarding horns is 8.

I know this as I pull up law and read it.  I have contacted the local representative here numerous times, attended permit meetings asking why they are green lighting a project that will be noise polluted and traffic blocked almost daily, should they not be warned?  I certainly wasn't in the hysteria and stupidity of the Manager who rented me my home.

I should have known then when he had no keys, when I asked about the train, the brush off, the lack of showing me my unit and then demanding I have rental insurance, background check that was fucked up and mishandled and all tied up in a one day when I had tried working with him from Seattle for weeks.   And all while trying to deal with the assholes from Allied Van Lines.  My move was already not a good sign and  this was my introduction to Southern Hosptiality.   Since  that time I have watched almost the entire building turn over residents in less than 6 months.

So I am not stopping on getting this declared a silent zone as now it is just a matter of obstinence as frankly I am exhausted just arguing with the idiots who refuse to believe how bad it is. I asked one person who tried to do this in East Nashville, her response, "it's hard, good luck." Okay thanks.  That seems to be the standard other than, "I don't know anything about that."  Which is frankly the number one expression here next to, "whose gonna pay for that?"  

I spend the day in conflict with someone doing something.  There is no way around the reality that I clearly alienate everyone I come into contact with.

And this was again evident at the Dental Office when I was ranting about my lack of communication, my lack of a proper treatment plan, coordination and cost estimate that I ran my mouth off on another bad day when I was sick with a rash, since discovered it was an allergic reactions, a cold and just general frustration from dealing with the Nashville Public Schools.  So when I said, "it would be easier if I just blew my teeth out with a gun then maybe I would get help" And this in turn led to Cops 4 days later showing up at my home.  Then diagnosing me as being depressed and anxious, ya think??? then giving me a Dental referral. How So, Nashville.

I go next week to have stage one I can't wait!

In the interim when I try to meet others if I am not asked why I came I am asked what Church I go to or if I am married.  When both are responded in the negative I am told I need to join their Church and get a husband.  My response is, "So your Church has a lot of men with vaginas?"  That ends it.  Regardless if I was a Lesbian it is all just so full of bullshit and a sign of ignorance that you become exhausted trying to come up with snark as a response.

And my last attempt today finally made me realize - Nashville you win.  I am just hoping to get out of here - ALIVE (I don't want any cops at my door) - with my new dental work and a great smile to go with it as soon as possible.

I have Rivendell to look forward to and the chance to write and to MTSU and their writing program so there are good things on the horizon but ironcially none of that is here in Nashville.  I will just crash here and wait to get the fuck out as soon as I can.

Nashville, you broke what Seattle tried and failed to do.  Then I realized I came here broken and you cannot heal me.  You are incapable you are too broken as well.