Children are unreliable reporters on life.  Take this morning, for example.

I was awakened by Caleb’s voice in my ear. “Mama, I’m stinky.”

“Okay, I’ll take care of it in a little while.” (This is sleepy mama shorthand for, “I’ll take care of it, but you just woke me from a dead sleep. I will not be leaping out of bed in the next 2 seconds, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to dive into dealing with your poopy diaper. It’s going to take me a few minutes to get awake and un-groggy enough to change your diaper.” Which is a bit much for him to process.)

As I lay there blinking awake, I heard him head into the other room and report to his sister. “She said in a few hours.”

*blink*  *blink*

In case you were worried, it was about 2-3 minutes, not 2-3 hours.  Caleb’s report was highly unreliable.

What is reliable about children, though?  They will, at some point, do stupid stuff.  Some of it will be sinful stupid stuff.  Some will just be plain old stupid.  Like trying to squeeze between the railing and the floor of the second story deck to get to the lower level.  (If you’re the mother who nearly had a heart attack over this preschooler attempt, you know who you are.)  We have to be prepared.

That’s where Grace-Based Discipline comes in.

Grace-Based Discipline

A few years ago I reviewed Grace-Based Parenting.  It really emphasizes the difference between the behavior modification model of parenting that’s so prevalent today, and a more holistic model based on meeting a child’s physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.  (If that summary sounds a little wacky to your ears, pop on over and read that review; it will make a lot more sense.)  My only disappointment was that it was heavy on the theory and not as nitty-gritty as I would have liked.

So I was thrilled when I heard that Grace-Based Discipline was coming out.  It’s written by the adult daughter of the previous book’s author, and it’s designed to present the more concrete, practical side of grace-based parenting.  It is so good.

The book’s main content is divided into three sections.  It’s all practical, but the most practical section is the third, with the first two laying the necessary foundation.

Part 1: The General Context, and Who We Are

The first section covers the broad territory that lays the overall foundation.  First, it recaps what grace-based parenting is.  What is the model we’re using, the framework in which all Discipline and training happens?  This is a good refresher summary for those who have read Grace-Based Parenting, and essential background for those who haven’t.  (Hint: the super-summarized version is “seek to parent your children the way God parents you.”)

Then it talks about knowing ourselves and our children.  A lot of what rubs us the wrong way in our children’s behavior isn’t “wrong” at all (or even stupid/foolish!).  It’s just different, because we all have different personalities, learning styles, gifts, and ways of processing things.  Letting our children be free to be who God made them provides an important context for addressing the things that are wrong or foolishly dangerous.

Part 2: The Rules

The second section builds on this foundation of context — or what we might call the culture of the home — and discusses the establishment of the rules.  It points out what I found to be very helpful distinctions between types of rules.  Is failing to toss the juice jug into the recycling bin when you empty it really in the same category as cheating on a test or punching your sister?

There is a sense in which all rules are alike, but there are also ways in which they are notably distinct, and recognizing those distinctions can help us avoid over- or under-reacting.  (If you question the validity of making such distinctions, consider the Old Testament law.  The Israelites weren’t instructed to stone people for forgetting to wash their hands.)

Part 3: Enforcement

With the general household context established, and rules in place and clarified, now we get down to the real everyday nitty-gritty.  There still is a lot more here by way of principle than explicit “if your child does this, then do this” examples..  The whole point, after all, is that what one child needs to learn and grow in a given situation is not necessarily the same thing another child would need — or even the same thing that child would need at a different point in his life.  But the principles here are tailored to the in-the-moment need to respond, rather than the more general, overarching types of principles found earlier in the book.

Karis shares her own personal “trick” for getting some emotional distance in the moment so she can respond to the behavior and/or situation rather than react to the child.  She provides tips for choosing consequences appropriate to the circumstances (or determining that the existing natural consequences are adequate).  She offers insight into what types of consequences are typically most compelling to children in each age range.  (Preschoolers, for instance, are not going to respond to the same forms of discipline as teenagers.  Try telling a preschooler he’s grounded.  He’ll probably look at you as though you have three heads, because he has no idea what that even means.)

A Note on Spanking

Some of you have been following along all this time thinking “that sounds good,” but in the back of your mind you’ve been asking, “but what does she have to say about spanking?” because you want to know if she’s coming from a similar philosophy as you or not.  I would sum up the angle on spanking as “a biblically-sanctioned form of discipline, but not an essential one.”

It is mentioned a handful of times very briefly in the text, in such a way as to put it into the context of the overall picture for those families who use it.  However, it is so non-essential to the principles taught in the book it’s largely relegated to an appendix — where the conclusion is, “I don’t care if you spank or not, as long as you’re not abusively punitive and you’re not just letting your children run amok.”  In other words, whether you spank or whether you don’t, this book should be relevant for you; a wide spectrum of Christian parents can use and benefit from this book.

Still need more?  Other books/tools that pair well with this include:

• Grace-Based Parenting
• The Kids Flag Page
• Motivate Your Child
• The Family Systems eCourse (The Three Systems Every Family Needs)

Grace-Based Discipline {review} is a post from: Titus 2 Homemaker

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