I’m in skinny and hungry mode right now. This is my motto. If I were able to make long term commitments I would get it tattooed somewhere on me in a prominent location. It’s my first day back at work after a three day weekend. I can’t decide if the weekends are harder from an eating standpoint or the weekday. I think it largely depends on the amount of intellectual or physical activity I have. You see I, like many, am an emotional eater. Except most people can narrow it down to one or two emotions. Not me… I have the whole range…happy, stressed, tired, bored, lonely, angry, you name it… I have a Food group associated with it. The only time I don’t feel compelled to eat is when I am too busy to do so. That presents a problem see because that means at almost any time on any given day I am in the mood to eat. The only difference is what item I want to eat. Sometimes I want something from a restaurant… sometimes I want to cook; sometimes it just comes pre-made from a grocery store (cake!) I’m all over the place and at the same time, very specific… when I get a craving fuhgetaboutit. I am obsessed until I am in possession of whatever that food is… I don’t even have a “usual”. One day it’s carne asada burritos… from a specific place of course… another day it’s cake, it can be sushi or something I saw on Food Network, in a magazine… it doesn’t matter… if it looks good I will eat it.

There within lies the problem. I am no spring chicken anymore and years of food obsession have caught up with me. Over the past five years I’ve gained close to 30 pounds. I am also on the lower end of the height spectrum and have a persistent aversion to exercise. I’ve been through most diet plans, Atkins, South Beach, Body for Life, Weight Watchers… and most recently, a medically supervised plan with shakes only. For six weeks I ate very little food and replaced my normal caloric intake with shakes. For SIX weeks. I persevered and was able to lose 16 of the 30 pounds I need to lose. I have been eating regularly again for almost a month and have not regained any weight. A success? Well…. depends on how we define success. If waking up everyday concerned with your weight, your thighs, and what you may or may not consume that day even though you aren’t gaining weight is success to you... then I am there. It is not success to me though. I like food and will always like food. I am prone to overeat and be a little compulsive at times, and will likely always be that way. I gain weight easily and lose it painfully. I am an extreme personality type that swings wildly from one end to the other rather frequently. I have lost and regained the same 20 pounds for ten years. And I am tired. Exhausted actually. To the point where I cannot continue like this.

So back to my motto… fat and happy or skinny and hungry. Let me explain. Fat and Happy (FH) is what I call myself when I am in “eat whatever you want” mode. I am happy because there is no deprivation which creates a false sense of happiness in me. Then when I gain enough weight to stop fitting my clothes… I move into Skinny and Hungry (SH) mode which means “put the spoon down and step away from the Ben and Jerry’s”! This is not happiness because I can’t have 90% of what I want, which creates a false sense of hungriness. I have moments in both modes where the feelings change…disgust during FH phase and complete and utter joy during SH phase but the feelings don’t last in either. So my goal is to create a new mode… moderately happy and secure with myself…that’s not very exciting. How about “accepting of myself and my body” hmm too Dr. Phil. How about “It is what it is?” Too bitter. Ok… I got it… “Choice equals Consequence.” Oh I like it. Cuz that’s what it is. We all have to accept the consequences of the choices we make. That includes everything from how we treat people to what we eat. I am no longer willing to put food into good and bad categories. I no longer wish to label myself as a good or bad person depending on my daily food choices. I won’t sit by and listen to others berate themselves or me for those same choices. I will no longer wallow in self-pity and guilt for choosing “So you think you can dance” over the treadmill. I will simply get the heck on the treadmill or shut about it. And if I don’t choose wisely everyday, if I make choices that do not support my goals, be it health or money, well there are consequences for my choice. If I choose to eat the carne asada burrito the size of my head I must accept there will be tummy trouble and possibly a few extra ounces to squeeze into my pants the next day. I WILL NOT BE DEFINED BY MY FOOD CHOICES, MY WEIGHT, OR MY EXERCISE HABITS. There is so much more substance to me than those things. I know there is. And I will try not to define other people by those same standards.

The great thing is that I know what my better choices in life are and I can wake up everyday and choose… CHOOSE which path to take. And be willing to accept the consequences whether they are in my favor or not. To be fair, I didn’t have this epiphany overnight. Nor will I state that I won’t have fallbacks or challenges staying on course. I read a book… I will recommend this book to anyone who is willing and ready to change their relationship with food. I don’t believe this is a book for the overweight only, nor is there a nifty little eating plan contained inside. There is no list of off limit foods or “bad” carbs. There is no recommended amount of fiber or exercise that one should get each day. Nope…this book is about how and why we overeat. Why we obsess about certain foods…the lure of food marketing. It’s about deciding to break the chain…changing your habits and views about the things you eat. It’s about education. Some of the stuff you already know if you’ve put the amount of time and effort I have into this topic… some of it is shocking… some of it is heartbreaking. All of it is thought provoking. It’s given me something tangible to think about…steps I can take to recover. Yep I am officially in Food Rehab. I might sound flippant, and please don’t think I am about this topic. This is serious business to me. I’m writing a blog about it aren’t I???? So read the book, if you are ready. Heck… maybe you should read the book if you aren’t ready and it will help you get there. The End of Overeating by Dr. David Kessler.

Choice equals Consequence…my new motto. Still can’t commit to the tattoo but it’s a start.